The Constitution by Kristi Noem

And other Friday "Fun," 23 May 2025

This is satire.

Welcome to this overview of the US Constitution. I’m DHS Secretary/Dog Euthanasia Specialist/Restylane and Smile Texas Spokesmodel/Kevlar influencer/Miss July in the ICE Babes Calendar Kristi Noem.

I have been asked to make this informational video by the Greatest President of All Time, Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, and 50-time PGA Champion who shoots a hole-in-one on every hole, Donald Trump, because it seems like Americans really don’t understand our version of the Constitution, and we all know that democracy can’t survive without a well-informed citizenry.¹

This presentation is sponsored by BoobLip injectables, for busy fascists who don’t have time for surgery. When you want your lips, but not your country, to look less white, BoobLip.

Let’s go through some key concepts:

1. Separation of Powers: The Constitution created three separate branches of government, the Executive, the Legislature, and the Judiciary. This was so the President would have plenty of people to carry out his every wish, because dictatorship is a big task for one person. You will often hear the terms “checks and balances” with regard to the separation of powers. What this means is that the Legislature and Judiciary “check” with the President about their assignments, and he divides the work between them in a “balanced” way.

2. The Bill of Rights: This is what we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution. They list all the rights citizens enjoy under the Constitution, such as:

   1. Freedom of Speech: Citizens have the right to proclaim Donald Trump’s greatness anywhere in our amazing country. They also have the right to use racist, misogynistic, and other insulting language whenever they want without anyone thinking they are bad people.

   2. Freedom of the Press: Citizens have the right to be misinformed in order to protect them from information they find troublesome.

   3. The Right to Bear Arms: Citizens have the right to assemble large arsenals of war weapons and form middle-aged militias/PawPaw Patrols in order to feel more manly, attempt coups, intimidate enemies, and/or murder based on their beliefs, bigotries, or delusions. Also, attractive women like myself have the right to go sleeveless at all times.

   4. Freedom of Religion: All Americans have the right to believe whatever they want, but only evangelical Christians have the right to be utter and complete a**holes about it, get all up in everyone’s business, build political organizations with tax exempt status, and get government-funded religious schools.

   5. Freedom from immigration and DEI: This is a newer right that we just added to the Constitution a few weeks ago. This gives all Americans the right to live in a country without foreigners of any kind, except for Afrikaaners because they meet strict ideology requirements, and without any reminders of the embarrassing parts in American history. Black Americans can stay, I guess, even though they remind us of the bad parts just by existing, but they need to keep quiet about it and avoid getting good jobs.

3. Due Process: This includes the concept of habeas corpus, which I schooled the Senate on this week (can you believe they didn’t know what it is??) This gives the President the authority to randomly grab people off the streets and throw them in prison forever without ever charging them with any crime. This is a very important right that keeps Americans safe from gay Venezuelan hair dressers and other brown people with suspicious tattoos. Also, kidnapping is super fun to do, and the wardrobe is fantastic.

4. Federalism: According to the Constitution, states have wide ranging authorities over education, criminal justice, elections, and barbecue. The federal government is in charge of coining money, national defense, interstate commerce, and interstate ideology. The latter means that any state that does not follow ideologies approved by the President loses all federal funding and invites the wrath of God via hurricanes, fires, and tornadoes.

   1. A recent addendum extends this principle to law firms, media companies, private universities, and any other entity that perturbs the President, to include Girl Scout troops, comic book conventions, sharks, unattractive women, dogs, and vegans.

5. Judicial Review: The Constitution provides the courts as a panel of advisors for the President, whose opinion he will weigh in conjunction with those of all the people who think he is great and tell him that what he wants to do is totally legal and cool.

These are the key foundational principles that govern our great country and provide everyone who loves our great President freedom, opportunity, and protection, as well as the pursuit of happiness derived from the tears of our enemies. God Bless America.

Thank you to our additional sponsors:

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And

Illegal Zoom. For all your law breaking needs. “We’ve got a bizarre legal theory for that.”

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You already know about my canvassing adventure. Steven DeLine replied to my Bluesky post about it with this brilliance (notice the literature and notebook):

In other #OneThing activities, I helped organize a meeting with

Reed Howard

of our church’s Better Together group, where among other things, we talked about non-violence.

I also did a shift volunteering on the mall, had my first choir performance at church, and worked on some art for my fundraisers.

As you may have heard, Trump’s Big Beautiful Budget Bill passed the House and is moving the Senate. Economists are calling this the biggest transfer of wealth from poor to rich (pro tip: this is the opposite of what is needed), as well as a fiscal CF that endangers our economy at a time when investors are wary of lending the US more money. The CBO estimates that 10 million working poor will lose their Medicaid, plus poor families will lose food aid, and poor children will lose preschool education, all while the wealthy get more tax breaks.

So contact your Senators and tell them NO!

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Thanks to Trump’s sh*tshow meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa I had a bit of a star turn (for me) this week. I did a

The Bulwark

take with

Benjamin Parker

, which was super fun, even if some commenters insulted my homemade African blouse (come ON!) and pointed out that I referred to South African billionaire Johann Rupert as “the older golfer” (not factually wrong, but also not his primary descriptor). I have since watched this video about 20 times and discovered a mistake every 5 seconds. But, it’s still informative.

I continued the analysis and conversation the next morning on Dog Shirt TV with

Benjamin Wittes

I also styled my hair live on Dog Shirt TV and helped Ben storyboard his next laser show.

I am headed back to Texas to care for my BFF for a few days. She got some good news this week and I hope will soon be recovered. Please hold her in your thoughts and prayers!

Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.

1. A real thing a MAGA in my life actually said recently with a straight face.