I am JD Vance's kindly identical twin and I baked America some cookies

The VP debate recap

Good evening, and just to be transparent here, yes, your eyes do deceive you. While I have JD Vance’s ice-blue eyes and follicly-enhanced jawline, it is actually I, Ray D’Ance, JD’s identical twin brother. I took a day off from teaching baby goat-assisted yoga to beautiful special needs preschool children to fill in for JD while he’s summoning a mob to throw uppity women off a bridge to see if they will float. ¹

But let’s not worry about JD right now. For tonight, I would just ask that you look deeply into my hypnotic eyes, rimmed by lashes so thick I don’t even need eyeliner, and notice how concerned my face looks and how I am talking very calmly yet quickly so that it sounds like I am a very reasonable, decent person.

Because I care, I really, really care. I care about beautiful children and women and cats and America and most of all, Donald Trump, who has been so cruelly maligned for just trying to help out. This immensely wise and kind patriot solved all of America’s problems four years ago with tariffs and behavior that frightened many people around the world. Sadly, some people wouldn’t let him stay forever, and then an omnipotent Vice President came in here and wrecked everything again and broke everyone’s hearts.

Donald Trump was so committed to accessible healthcare he tried to protect it from greedy sick people, he loved children so much gave them AR-15s to play with, he respected women so much he hired some judges to help with gynecology, and he cherished democracy enough to create an entirely new system for determining election results instead of counting ballots, which is hard because math.

I can’t believe that the wily journalists had me thinking he was Hitler just a few years ago! Fool me once, shame on you, and after that, I am no longer fooled because I was raised by a caring drug addict who needed Donald Trump to help, and he did.

You may have heard that I think women should stay home and birth babies instead of having jobs and cats and abortions, but that is just absurd! In fact my beautiful wife has a very fancy job and still manages to clean our house and do all the caring for our beautiful three entire children and clean the beautiful cat’s litter box, too. She is so beautiful and our beautiful three entire children are so beautiful even though they refuse to go to bed every time I’m on TV.

But your beautiful wife may need to stay home, especially if her parents are selfish like the salt-of-the-earth hillbilly drug addicts who raised me, and that’s totally your choice! Donald Trump and I support you in all² of your choices. We do. Because I care and I teach yoga and I speak so gently but also very fast.

As for abortion, the other day when I said it was equivalent to the ritual torture and murder of children that will bring down the wrath of God in the form of fire shooting across the sky, burning up the atmosphere and summoning the End of Days, what I meant was that it saved my lady friend’s life. And now I will greet my lady friend so you know she is a real person whom I love so much and not something I just made up.

Speaking of cats, I never said there were immigrants eating them, why would anyone ever say such a ridiculous, hateful thing about cats. What I said was that cats are cuddly and soft, and we love the cats and also Taylor Swift! That is a talented cat lady right there.

We think cats deserve owners like Taylor, people with affordable housing and good jobs, and the cats aren’t going to have that with all the illegal humans coming in here with their suitcases of money buying up massive swaths of real estate and automating all the jobs with their vast technical know-how. Some of them say they are legal, but I just repealed that law by blinking my thick eyelashes three times.

So now all of the immigrants are illegal, and Kamala Harris really needs to do something about it with her awesome Vice-Presidential powers.

It’s all so heartbreaking, the hurt out there. I’m actually going to pause right here and ask that we all observe a moment of silence for all the hurt people, many of them illegal, who hurt more people and also some pets.

For instance, the children who have been killed by doors that don’t lock well. To be clear, the doors lock, but they need to lock better, so children don’t get hurt while I am I am teaching them goat yoga because I care so darn much. Look at me right now, I’m making a concerned face because I care about the children.

Also, look everyone! I baked delicious cookies for America today and brought them here. I baked them myself, I totally didn’t have my beautiful wife with the fancy job and a generous Indian mother bake them. I baked them myself because I care so much about America and our women and children and cats.

I even made enough for the moderators because they agreed not to fact check me. YUM!

1. They do float, and that’s how we know they need to be burned at the stake. If they drown, they were never witches.

2. insert fine print here