When Elon Met Molly
A (kind of) departure story
Please note: I’ve restricted comments on this post to paid subscribers for reasons that will be apparent.
On December 2, I uploaded this video to the internet.
Those who have followed me for awhile know I like to make these silly parodies. It’s something I started during Covid and just kept going. Part of the appeal is that they give me an opportunity to sing, which I love to do, in a comedic format where it’s OK that I’m not the best singer, which I am not. As long as I’m bearable to listen to, the amateur quality vocals (and production value) add to the humor.
Then on December 13, I resigned from my job at the CIA.
And on January 7, during my daily, obligatory Twitter1 check to make sure no porn bots or Nazis are tweeting at me, I saw this:
And then I saw this:
Given that Charlie did not tag me and got my name wrong,2 I may have never seen it. But some enterprising MAGA sleuth had cracked the code and outed me.
His tag alerted me to the fact that thousands of people were calling for me to be fired (IMMEDIATELY!) from a job I had already quit. And worse, they were insulting my singing. Now that hurt.
Fortunately, I seem to have been the first person to see that reply. I immediately did what I should have done months ago and deactivated my Twitter account. But my Twitter spies tell me Molly continues to suffer attempted humiliation by people who have already humiliated themselves and her video has over 1.5 million views.
Those are the facts of the case. Now for some commentary.
Chapter One: The Hatch Act
Not that it matters at all, but just to address Charlie’s complaint that a former CIA officer made an anti-Trump video. Believe it or not, former CIA officers can hold political views, even strong ones, and express them however and whenever and wherever they want, as long as they aren’t revealing classified information in the process (that Trump is “probably sharing’ intelligence with Vlad Putin” is not a classified or even a unique viewpoint. Now, the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves line may be, as it potentially reveals a top secret military program that monitors the decomposition of the Founding Fathers’ corpses3).
Now, in Charlie Kirk’s defense (which I cannot believe I just typed), I was still a CIA officer when I posted the video. If I had planned on continuing my career, I wouldn’t have posted it, although technically, it would not be illegal for me to do so under the Hatch Act, which restricts federal workers’ political activity. It would even comply with the additional restrictions placed on members of the intelligence community, based on my reading of the statute.
This is because 1) it does not specifically endorse or otherwise contribute to a partisan political campaign or candidate 2) I did not make it or post it while at work/using government resources 3) I did not identify myself as a federal employee either in the context of the video or anywhere online that is publicly accessible until after I was no longer a federal employee.4
I know this is hard to grasp for a young Christian Nationalist who respects The Billy Graham Rule far more than he does the actual rules (not to mention The Golden Rule), but even currently serving intelligence officers are allowed to have political opinions and even express them in many ways and contexts. In fact, Charlie Kirk may be intrigued to know that CIA employees hold a wide variety of political opinions, including those he would absolutely love. I walked past all manner of bumper stickers in the parking lot on my way in, including “Let’s Go Brandon” ones, during the actual Brandon administration. Maybe Brandon should have purged those folks? Especially since there’s some serious overlap between people with those kinds of bumper stickers and people who took part in an act of domestic terrorism on January 6.5 But assuming these CIA employees don’t live in that part of the Venn diagram, they can have whatever bumper stickers they want. They just can’t bring that sh*t into the building.
You see, while a large portion of your brain is indeed wiped clean and replaced with a government-controlled microchip when you join the CIA,6 they can’t quite locate all your independent thoughts. Certainly not when those thoughts relate to a POTUS who is quite literally a threat to the very same Constitution to which all intelligence officers swear an oath. The tricky thing is the Agency needs you to have that part of your brain in tact in order for you to do your job in safeguarding national security. An unfortunate consequence of this is that you may really, really, really dislike Donald Trump, even while you acknowledge that he is the legitimate President and serve him accordingly. You probably won’t enjoy it much, though.
And not for nothing, as relates to the Hatch Act, this same Donald Trump literally used the White House for a partisan political convention in complete and utter obliteration of the Hatch Act. I mean, the first Trump administration7 dropped a hydrogen bomb on the Hatch Act, reassembled its smoldering, radioactive ashes into a Hatch Act effigy, dropped it into a giant Vita-mix with a bunch of ketamine, steroids, and goat embryos, and pulverized it into RFK-approved smoothies for sale at Trump rallies for $99 per serving in violation of like five other federal statutes.
But facts aren’t really Charlie Kirk’s brand. Like all Trumpist propaganda, the Deep State narrative is an Alice-in-Wonderland journey of projection, shamelessness, and gas-lighting, in which upholding the law and defending the Constitution is rank partisanship, prosecuting crimes is political persecution, anything but cult-like loyalty to the Dear Leader is un-American, telling the truth is hateful and divisive, and pointing out lies is an attack on free speech.
And civil servants are “villains” who should be “traumatically affected,” in the words of Trump’s OMB theocratic director Russell Vought, for doing their jobs on behalf of the American people for not great pay, relative to the cost of living in DC and their other options, instead of slavishly serving the political needs of a convicted felon and attempted coup leader.
And to that I say, well, FORK YOU, you humorless reincarnated Crusader with an internet connection.
Chapter Two: OK, now I (sort of) get it
One of the most maddening things about the Trump era has been watching powerful people who totally know better and who might meaningfully apply some brakes to this whole unfortunate episode allow themselves to be intimidated and silenced. Just based on my very limited view of Trump as president (and also from owning a TV and being able to read), I have been compelled to do everything in my incredibly limited power—shout from every rooftop, annoy all my friends and family, start a blog, donate to campaigns (which is also legal under the Hatch Act), make a “corny and embarrassing” video, and eventually even quit my job—to wage whatever (non-violent) war I can on this pernicious threat to American democracy.
How much more disturbed must be Jim Mattis, John Kelly, Kirsten Nielsen, Rex Tillerson, HR McMaster, Mike Pence, and any number of the remotely sane people who served with Trump and saw absolute bat-sh*t insanity first-hand every day? Why did they not then carpet bomb the United States with ads and interviews and literally go Waffle House to Waffle House trying to warn people and stop this forking guy? Why didn’t all the Congresspeople who secretly hated his guts impeach and convict him the first time, not to mention the second time AFTER HE LITERALLY ATTEMPTED A COUP?
“They’re afraid of mean tweets,” has been a common explanation. And I have rolled my eyes with the best of them. Weak. Pathetic.
More reasonable has been the fear of ordinary people, those with much less money and power, of being targeted, harassed, or potentially frivolously sued. But those ordinary people as a collective have a much better track record than the VIPs.
Well, I still think most of the aforementioned VIPs are embarrassing cowards. But for the first time, I have a tiny taste of the smallest morsel of the fear. Because when I saw Charlie Kirk’s tweet, and especially when I saw Elon Musk’s response, I had an immediate, instinctual feeling of dread. Like a deer hearing the click of a rifle in a quiet forest.
These people can destroy me, I thought. It wouldn’t even be that hard.
After deactivating my Twitter account and checking all my other social media to make sure the situation hadn’t metastasized (I had one troll on Blue Sky and one on Substack, both of whom I blocked, as well as several weird texts, all blocked), I immediately signed up for Delete Me, which is supposed to scrub your personal information from the internet as much as possible.
But seriously, if someone like Elon Musk or Donald Trump gets it in his mind to destroy you, he absolutely can. And when you consider the reality of that for even a few seconds, it’s pretty scary.
Unfortunately, I fear this is just a taste of what’s to come. The fact that Kirk mentioned my book is a little unsettling. I’ve seen and heard how the Theobros (the bearded, Extra Manly and Godly (TM), Christian Nationalist trolls that definitely include Kirk, even though he probably can’t grow a beard) love to come after particularly female critics of white evangelicalism. And they are gonna hate my book. Honestly, even a lot of nice Christians are gonna hate my book. Because it scrutinizes their heroes and demystifies their heroics. People don’t like that. Which is why it needs to be done.
This go-round with Charlie and Elon has turned out to be more amusing than anything else (well, not for Molly, who is probably still being called ugly and fat on Twitter, poor girl). But I’m not gonna lie. I’m afraid of what’s to come.
Chapter Three: My video is actually really good
Let’s now talk about Charlie and Elon’s assessment of the video itself.
“Corny”? I mean, yeah, kind of the point. But also, I would make the case that it is higher quality comedy than what is usually labeled as “corny.” I mean, the self-castrating Congressmen—complete with reference to the classic SNL digital short D*** in a Box—is pure comedic gold, my friends.
In addition, anyone associated white evangelicalism should not be allowed to call anything corny, ever. That whole culture is corn-fed from birth on the likes of this:
“Embarrassing for her”? That would be news to me. For something to be truly embarrassing, I think the person in question would need to be embarrassed. Charlie isn’t embarrassed that he bragged about his organization bussing people to the January 6 insurrection even though he later deleted that tweet, Trump isn’t embarrassed by screwing and paying off a porn star who has since compared his manhood to a mushroom, and I am not embarrassed by making a really funny CeeLo Green parody that has MAGAs concerned that retired intelligence analysts armed with basic video editing software will bring down the Trump regime.
Both embarrassment and the Hatch Act are very much needed in America, but both are effectively dead at this point.
“Bizarre"? I feel that might actually be a compliment coming from someone who has children named X Æ A-Xii, Exa Dark Sideræl, and Techno Mechanicus, who designed the Cyber Truck to look that way on purpose, and who believes that human beings would be smarter if more were born via C-Section. Bizarre is kind of his thing, so I’m forced to conclude he loves everything about me and my video.
However, a compliment from a deranged, dangerous, live-action Jafar isn’t something to covet, so I guess we’re back to square one in terms of the impact to my self-esteem.
Chapter Four: Sunk Costs
My husband, an economist, has taught me everything I know about economics, and let me tell you, that is very good stuff. Would that every one on earth had a working knowledge of rudimentary economics, we would be in much better shape. For example, did you know tariffs are never rarely a good idea?8 Anyone who even suggests tariffs should be forced to take 500 hours of remedial economics.
One of the best concepts he’s taught me, one that has freed me from so much angst, is the sunk cost fallacy. This is a cognitive trap that leads us to keep putting resources into something based on what we’ve already invested into it/what it has already cost us rather than what is best going forward. In truth, you will never recover what you’ve already put in if something is not panning out, and it’s better walk away early than to keep investing more and more just because you’ve already invested so much. There might be other, good reasons you decide to stick something out, but the amount you have already put in is not one of them.
So, to use a real life example that we’ve faced in our house a few times, if we have already paid $100 for non-refundable tickets to a football game, but the weather turns out to be miserable that day, it costs us $100 whether we watch the game in our warm, comfy home on TV or watch it in freezing cold rain at the stadium. And actually—the latter will cost us more, in gas and concessions, or even medical costs, if we catch pneumonia. We will sink more costs into an experience that probably isn’t something we want.
Now, unlike economists, human beings aren’t rational.9 If we’ve put our heart and soul, years of our life, and/or our hard-earned money into a project or relationship or job or business venture, we have a hard time quitting when it’s not panning out. We hate to lose what we’ve put in, we think maybe things can still turn around, and/or we feel embarrassed about having ever invested in it in the first place. So we tend to keep sinking more and more and more of ourselves into a doomed future because we just can’t accept present reality and let go of the past.
This is a huge reason why people stay where they are instead of leaving jobs, churches, marriages, friendships, families, communities, places, and situations that are no longer worth it, if they ever were. We’ll talk more about this in later posts.
For me, Twitter is another case in point. I joined Twitter as I was writing and hoping to publish my book. Publishers care about things like follower count, sadly, so I engaged and posted and cyber-networked and clawed my way to about 3,000 followers. Not many, relatively speaking, but not nothing. Certainly, I had earned them the hard way.
When Twitter began its Elon-induced descent, I watched people moving to new platforms with panic. I can’t just pick up and move like I’m Charlie Kirk or something! I thought to myself. I reluctantly and grumblingly joined Threads and started clawing my way up to about 2k followers. Then people started migrating to Blue Sky. By then, I was coming to accept the ways of the cyber world, so I went there without delay or complaint.
Meanwhile, Twitter became increasingly useless. When I posted, I got no engagement at all. Or the negative kind. My feed was filled with things I didn’t want. But I still had around 3k followers, people who may or may not be out there reading my occasional post about my book. Worth keeping, I thought, while doing very little with it. I generally only logged on once a day to make sure no one hateful had mentioned me.
Which is how I discovered Charlie and Elon had met Molly. That was the last straw. The costs of staying clearly outweighed any benefit.
I wish I had left sooner. On the other hand, I got a good story out of the deal, and so far no one has come to my house with an axe. Even better, my teens are so very impressed. My daughter’s friends have declared me “a legend and an icon.”
Maybe I should go back….
I will call it X only when Elon passes a law mandating such. Which is probably coming.
Strange he got the “Berkley” spelled correctly. People usually spell it like the university.
That is a joke.
Well, I did out myself on Ben Wittes’s podcast the morning of my very last day.
Believe or not, you can’t be both a domestic terrorist and a CIA officer. Something’s gotta give.
That is a joke.
Man, do I hate having to specify it as the first now. Hurts my heart every time.
Kevin has informed me that the “never” is wrong. He would say “rarely.” I think the point still stands.
That is a joke. If you know any economists, it’s very funny.
Molly Berkelerkely Felcher is a national treasure.
Loved the video and loved the essay. Thank you for the day brightener, Molly - I mean Holly.