That friend who is a disaster but knows what's best for you
And other Friday "Fun," 20 June 2025
(This is satire, inspired by the Southern Baptist Convention, who looked around the dumpster fire they’ve helped light, and decided to make overturning gay marriage a priority. And you know what, why change your brand now when myopia and obliviousness has gotten you this far.)
Dear Heathen,1
I’m concerned for you. Because I love you, of course. But mainly because you believe and live your life differently than me, and I am right about everything.
How do I know I am right? I am right according to the standards that I made up. If you look up the word “right” in the dictionary I wrote for myself, you will see that it means whatever I say it means. And you disagree with me, ergo you are wrong.
Also, Jesus gave me A Word for you. Jesus tells me many things. But mainly he tells me I am right, right after I tell him that I am right. We are so close, me and Jesus, we finish each other’s sentences. Also, just as a side note, we are both very manly.
Now, I know what you’re about to say. You going to say that I have been wrong sometimes. There was that time I held some slaves and claimed God said it was fine. Then there was the time some of my cohorts joined the KKK and terrorized and killed a bunch of people, and I said nothing about it at all, because God did not tell me to say anything. Then there was that time I tried to block some Black kids from going to school, because God told me Black people wanted their own things.
There was also that time I said women shouldn’t be able to vote or have a job. Now I just think they should sit down and shut up, which shows real repentance on my part.
Then there were those many hundreds of times when women and children and even some men were abused, and I went out into the yard and dug a big hole and put all that in there, like a funeral. I was appropriately mournful, too. To be fair, it involved some of our top leaders, and I don’t know how Jesus is supposed to recover from that kind of humiliation. Also, half those girls were wearing crop tops. I mean, what is the world coming to?
And then there was the other day when a bunch of people I go to church with tried to overthrow the government, whoopsydaisy. But they meant well, bless their hearts. I myself abhor violence, obviously, but I see their point. So I’m going to vote for the coup leader. God told me this is right because abortion. God made zero errors when he wrote the Bible, and that’s why it talks so much about abortion.
The important thing is I have apologized for all the mistakes! OK, maybe only some. I know I did the slavery apology, even though so many Black people are still mad at me. Because Satan has sown their hearts with a spirit of division, that’s why. It’s sad we can’t all be color-blind like me. Maybe Black people need to go to Africa like me so they can learn to be part of the Global church.
On so many things, God has given me new eyes, even though he also gave me the old eyes that saw a lynching and thought it would be a fun occasion for a picnic.
The bottom line is, Everyone makes mistakes! It doesn’t mean they are morally wrong per se—and especially not biblically wrong, which is far more important—unless they disagree with me, of course, then they are Satan’s army of destruction.
When I am “wrong,” it means I simply misunderstood what God was telling me. He’s kind of a low talker to be honest, so hard to understand! Of course, I am the only one who can understand him. If I have been wrong, it has been far less often than anyone else, because I wrote the book on all this. I mean, God wrote the book, of course, but I am the only one who knows what he meant to say.
And that brings me to my concern today, the Great Issue of Our Time, which is that the Gays are still making lifelong commitments to love each other unconditionally. Now, I’ve long been against this great evil in our secular, pluralistic society that has absolutely no bearing on me, except that, unbeknownst to most people, I am actually supposed to be in charge. But it’s worth repeating because, now that we’ve hired our very own autocrat, we can really clean up the smut around here.
Also, pastors keep getting arrested, and the women are reading more books (and writing them!!! Can someone please arrest
already?) and getting more uppity. Jesus is embarrassed and wants us to talk about something else.So I need to tell you once again that if you support this dangerous practice—which threatens to destroy America, even though it’s had over a decade to do so and can’t seem to get the job done—you are wrong, according to my definitive interpretation of God’s word, which is the same one that told me slavery was fine. That was the wrong conclusion, as it turns out, but how I got to it was absolutely right. It’s like sometimes you get in your beautiful, inerrant Mercedes Benz convertible, and you just accidentally drive off a cliff. That is an unfortunate outcome, but the car is still amazing! Just go get you a new one and keep driving!
But you, my friend, you need a whole new car, and you need me to teach you how to drive it. Or maybe you need me to just drive it for you from the backseat. Because I know everything that is best. I know what car you need, I know what road you should be on, I know where you should go and what you should do when you get there. I also know that you are speeding and you need watch out for that pothole and you are way too close to the car in front of you and you can’t turn on red here and you pushed the brake too hard, too fast and you know what, seriously, just pull over and let me drive. I have only plunged off a few cliffs.
Also, just as an all-purpose non-sequitur appropriate for most occasions, THE MISSIONARIES. I have sent out so many missionaries. I mean, I sent missionaries to Africa when I was still slaveholding and lynching. That’s what a committed Christian I am, that I would go do my racism somewhere with malaria and tapeworms. NO GREATER LOVE.
In conclusion, my dear friend, in love I say unto you—Get right with the Lord before I make you. Let’s not do this the hard way. That would be such a missed opportunity for your spiritual growth. And it would make it so much harder for me to wield power around here. The rolling back of freedoms is not for the squeamish!
Love, Your Brother (obviously) in Christ,
The Southern Baptist Convention
…And I just booked yet another one-way ticket to hell. Oh well.
It’s been busy week! School wrapped up, and I started my unpaid summer internship as a teen chauffeur. It is super fun, and great experience for my dream job of driving Bono or Oprah. One teen is not eligible to drive yet—and also endearingly announced his boredom on Day One of summer break—and the other is just too busy and important to learn. Can’t blame her. If I had a chauffeur, I would never drive either.
#OneThing highlights were of course the No Kings protest that I wrote about earlier, another great art party, and tomorrow’s World Refugee Day gathering near the White House.
I have sucked as a reader, y’all. I am still slogging through the 1,000 page opus on Dwight D. Eisenhower (which is good, but I made the mistake of buying it in hard copy and I lack the wrist strength for more than short sessions), then I got hung up on a book club novel that I just couldn’t get into.
I believe that if you don’t like a book 50 pages in, you should cut your losses and move on. And never speak of it again. That applies to my book. If you don’t like it, set it aside and keep that to yourself :)
There have been a few non-book things I’ve enjoyed this week.
Ezra Klein’s outstanding conversation with Sarah McBride, whose grace blows me away. She has wisdom that extends well beyond the trans issue, and character we should all emulate.
My friend
has been knocking it out of the park with personal essays on living through the Russian bombardment of Kyiv with her husband and baby. Everyone, go subscribe to her substack, pay if you can. She is an amazing woman.I may or may not have binged the 2nd season (which implies, correctly, I had already watched season 1) of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders show. Please don’t tell anyone, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Some very moving drama and expert hair and makeup tips, not that I ever plan to do anything about that.
On Wednesday, I fly to Kenya for a month! I am taking a group on safari, then spending time with family. I’ll try to write when I can, but not sure how that will work.
Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.
To include all those who think they are Christians but are not our kind.
Safe travels. Let the striped zebras know you come in peace and hoping you find your stripeless zebra kin.
Safe travels!