Revenge of the Penguins

And other Friday "Fun," 4 April 2025

(This is satire. I am not actually a penguin.)

Greetings from Heard Island in Antartica, where I lead a nation of penguins. On behalf of my people, er, penguins, I would like to respond to the tariffs imposed on us this week by President Donald Trump, who is far dumber than any penguin.

Apparently, his government “calculated” these tariffs, using a preschool cash register, based on the trade deficit with each nation. Our tally came to 10%, which seems patently ridiculous to most people who assume penguins do not manufacture anything for the US to buy. Based on that logic, they also assume there is also no way for us to retaliate against this oppressive trade war launched against us.

But of course penguins DO export something, something very valuable to American males:

That’s right. Every time one of your males dons formal wear, you can thank a penguin.

And now we shall use your cummerbunds to strangle you. Because as of today, I, the Alpha Penguin of Heard Island, am imposing a 3 billion percent tariff on all tuxedos in the United States.

I hear you are fast approaching Prom, the annual, nationwide ritual for which adolescent human males acquire tuxedos in the mistaken belief that they will look classy. I hear you are also approaching June, prime mating-for-life season for human couples, who hold elaborate ceremonies involving tuxedos.

Well. Those tuxedos will now cost $1 trillion to rent or buy. And good luck convincing a human female to even consider you an appropriate partner without wearing one. We here in Heard Island never attempt to mate without a tuxedo.

We have also heard fancy restaurants have their wait staff wear tuxedos so customers feel underdressed and less powerful and more likely to be impressed with a plated art installation made with 4 bites of food.

(Honestly, I’m starting to understand why you people elected such an idiot as your president. You’re not too bright, are you?)

Now these meals will cost $1 trillion. All your nice restaurants will close, and everyone will have to do to Fridays instead, even thought their waitstaff’s outfits featuring plastic buttons made in China will also become prohibitively expensive. People may have to start diving into the oceans for fish in order to eat like we do.

We also hear your Hollywood region is heavily reliant on tuxedos. While most male movie stars probably have an extra $1 trillion in their couch cushions, they still may be incentivized to opt against the tuxedo for award ceremonies. This will result in entire red carpets filled with this:

At which point large numbers of viewers will spontaneously gouge out their eyes, dramatically raising healthcare costs and disability claims, thereby tanking the American economy.

So good luck ever looking nice again, American males. And good luck ever attracting another female without having good character. And yes, we will not cave on this, because guess what, we don’t even use money and certainly don’t need yours. We are retaliating simply for the insult, to which we do not take kindly at all.

Good day.

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This week’s #OneThing has involved another art party—I am closing in on completing this first round of the Ukraine fundraiser. I have donated $500 to Razom Ukraine and still plan to get $1000 to the hospital in Izyum, but there’s been some logistical challenges on that front. My shop is on hiatus, but I’ll be announcing another round of the fundraiser after Easter.

I also attended my first #TeslaTakedown, about which I wrote on Tuesday along with Cory Booker. I was so moved by his 25 hour speech, I ended up painting this piece for him. I love making art for people who inspire me. I’m working on getting it to him through various connections.

My normal Wednesday interfaith vigil was merged into what turned out to be a protest CF at the Supreme Court. It was a SCENE. There were prochoice protestors. There was a counter pro-life protest. There were like 5 other protests, including an anti-circumcision protest. Their signs were…. not appropriate for children…

Also, I feel like ending circumcision is a low priority at a time when the entire world order is threatened? Maybe that’s just me. What do you suppose the Venn diagram of anti-circumcisers and anti-vaxxers looks like? I’m guessing a circle but I am a newcomer to the anti-circumcision beat.

I am honestly not sure what happened or if our group actually gathered. I saw various people I know, and everyone looked confused. But whatever, I hung out, took in the scene, chatted with people, and tried to assure my inner-former-evangelical that I would not go to hell for being at a pro-choice rally.

Never a dull moment in Washington these days.

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I hosted Dog Shirt TV/In Lieu of Fun a few times this week, I’m not going to keep posting those links, you should just subscribe to the feeds. I’m usually on at least 3 days a week.

I hope you caught the second episode of my new podcast yesterday. My goal is to put one out every couple of weeks. They are pretty time consuming to make, although the Facebook algorithm is now feeding me all kinds of programs I a use to make it easier. Maybe AI is not 100% terrible?

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I hope EVERYONE is attending a protest tomorrow! They are planned in DC and all 50 states, and I will be at the National Mall with I hope huge crowd of people. We shall see. Find one near you: https://handsoff2025.com/about

Have a great weekend.

Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.