As a child, I lived in two worlds too: I am a polio survivor but back then I was just crippled. In my regular school, I tried to hide my paralysis. But then I got sent to a Crippled Children's hospital in a different state. There, I was the most normal, the most capable out of all the other girls on the ward because I could walk. Staying there without family for months at a time, we attended hospital school unless you were still puking after surgery--a much different world. I was the privileged "have" among have-nots. Until I got back home. I had no cart on wheels, but I was desperate to be accepted. So I adopted a life rule: Always know that the "normies" have something wrong too but you might not see it and and second, always remember that everyone is doing the best they can. Maybe that's mutuality? Your Friend, Linda
I have a friend who, whenever she saw a person sitting alone, always went over and sat and talked with him or her. That was her way of reducing isolation.
In Australia there is zero tolerance for homelessness. If someone sees a homeless person, they report them to social services, which sends a van to pick them up and take them to a furnished apartment of their own. They provide the person with food, clothing, counseling, and whatever else they need, and find a job for them.
I think the solution is not economic equality or even social equality. It is establishing a reasonable base below which nobody is permitted to go, and providing the training and opportunities to enable that person to advance. I have grown to believe that wallowing in guilt is a useless, narcissistic activity, unless it results in positive action with real consequences. Self-esteem is the product of real accomplishments.
I pride myself on living a pretty unexamined life. :-) I always read your newsletters to dissolve some of the crust keeping me from really experiencing people and interactions. Bless you, darn it.
"I’d love to hear from you. Here’s a scenario for you—a real one I’ve been part of. You’re at a friend’s party, mainly members of her church. Everyone there is middle-to-upper class, well educated, successful. Except for one man, who is pretty obviously poor, uneducated, struggling. What is your approach? How do you achieve mutuality with this guest?"
Granted, the man we got to know a church party was well-educated – but nonetheless poorer than average for the congregation and obviously struggling.
I'm sure we weren't paragons toward him, but our moment of mutuality came when we accepted his invitation to dinner at his house. Strange house. But good dinner – he was a great conversationalist once you got him going, and had led an interesting life.
Sadly, I hadn't come to grips with some of my own health problems at the time, and got too wrapped up in what seemed necessary for me to lead a successful life while carting this carcass around to follow through with the friendship. But I remember the man fondly, the dinner fondly – and, if the man still remembers us, I hope he remembers fondly, too.
I think you've hit on something--allowing someone to share what they have, even if they have less than you, is a form of mutuality. Again, doesn't have to be economic/material.
What a gift to be able to articulate the reality of what most of us experience as a nagging feeling. The eternal question of the haves and have nots.. How to help without hurting. Thank you for a beautifully written examination of conscience 💜
This was beautiful and a good reminder to all to check ourselves at the door. My only thought when you asked that question was, I would have been hanging with the guy in the corner, this is my comfort position. I laughed at myself when my first thought was "I probably wouldn't have even gone to the party, what a brave man he is." I grew up on a dairy farm in a very rural area with everyone being on the same level basically, only the number of mouths to feed varied. When I was 9 my parents uprooted and moved to south Florida and yes I experienced overwhelming culture shock, I can't begin to list the differences. South Florida back then was still undeveloped and social class was over on Palm Beach and the rest of the normal folks lived on the other side of the ICW. Now, this place is for most of us who grew up here, unrecognizable, unaffordable and overwhelming. This is true even at church, sadly. For me, leveling the playing field so to speak is to remember where I came from. Despite having lived here the majority of my life, inside me I am still the girl who came from that rural farm and milked cows before going to school. I don't know, maybe it's being true to who you are.
Mutuality is not just a problem when there are financial or status differences. I am an identical twin and was close to my twin till in our mid 50s we parted. The lack of mutuality was in our psyches. For reasons too hard to explain, he was the one who was free of any social responsibility and i was more or less his caretaker (but he was not impaired except emotionally). Anyway the breach is almost 20 years now.
to elaborate... my brother stayed in the hospital and my mother came home with me. We were both small (9 lbs divided into 2 babies. We were premature and needed the incubator. My brother also had some muscle issues because we were squeezed into the womb of a 5'1" woman - i was 5 lbs 4 oz at birth but 22 inches. Anyway my mother's guilt caused her to remind me always to watch out for my brother. So if I was asked to come to a friend's house, to bring my brother. By the time I was an adult, I was programmed to protect him (even though we were both exceptional students and health). Thus we never formed full identities. So when a petty matter occurred it led over time to a complete break.
The issue of identical twins is complicated. Especially re forming a personality.
It is sad and I carry much resentment. But there is no way to resolve it now. We lived close for most of our lives but now he is 1000 miles away.
In any case, mutuality is luck - or so I believe.
.....
One more story of cultural differences. It was 1980 and I was assistant manager of a KFC in Xenia OH. One of my employees with a student a Central State - an historically black college. He was far smarter than our white employees who were like the hillbillies described by JD Vance. I was unique in the group because I was well educated (BFA and MFA) and well spoken. I also worked extremely hard. The black employee has never really seen many white up close (he was from Chicago's South Side. He and I became fairly close (both of us were outsiders). One time he basically told me that he did not realize that white college grads ever struggles - so worked in the junk jobs like a fast food store. But seeing me, he realized that yes, even whites worked hard. I moved back to NJ soon after this - but I think we could have been genuine friends. Mutuality is a spiritual gift.
This was beautiful writing, Holly: honest, heartfelt, and incisive in the way that it forces the reader to self-examine without being preachy. That is mutuality: bringing our own questions to the table and inviting inspection in the company of others. It's akin to a woman spilling her purse in public, and then admitting that yes, she does carry leftovers from her carryout lunch because the voice of her mother not to waste one morsel still echoes in her head. We all have issues, and the laughter that comes from identifying these issues and sharing them with others is the great equalizer.
Speaking as the one who's usually the mutt in the mix, my advice is to simply establish a conversation of mutual interests.
Some of us pass up the rat race by choice, not necessity. Doing amateur theater, we've got the usual mix of leisure elite and dead broke thespians, so you can guess who usually ends up hosting gatherings.
I look around at the posh of upper middle class and lower upper class and all I see is stress and anxiety and cost. Obviously it represents different things to different people and I'm not saying my view of such things is the objective truth, but for me it's just not worth it.
That said I live a spoiled American middle class life that looks obscenely wealthy to plenty of others, too.
In the end, find the things you connect on and don't presume more until you really know a person. We're all way more complicated than our stuff.
Finding commonalities is great. But sometimes there aren't many or any. To me the key is to find out what brings the other person joy. Could be something you are totally uninterested in. But if they are joyful about it, their enthusiasm will be contagious.
Sep 17·edited Sep 17Liked by Holly Berkley Fletcher
So good, as usual, Holly!
I think the best place to start any relationship is to connect on the similarities between people. I had an interaction this morning with a mom of a family that just moved here from somewhere I've lived. I had heard from my friend, who works at the school, that the mom was struggling with all of the things connected to enrolling her kids at the school in the US. I introduced myself and explained how I had lived where her family came from and welcomed her to the school. It took just a few minutes, but I hope she felt a connection with another parent in this strange, new place. Hopefully, we can build on that connection in the future. 🙂
Finding commonalities is great. But sometimes there aren't many or any. To me the key is to find out what brings the other person joy. Could be something you are totally uninterested in. But if they are joyful about it, their enthusiasm will be contagious.
I wish I had a profound answer to how we can get to authentic mutuality in our relationships. There seems to always be subtle power shifts in even those we’re closest to and most evenly paired, let alone those with extreme differences in areas of wealth, education, intelligence, attractiveness or in cases of service oriented professions where we’re the helper or the one seeking help. As a community nurse I worked primarily with people experiencing homelessness with behavioral health issues, so I’m very familiar with this type of imbalance in relationships.
However, I do think it’s what we bring to each and every relationship that really matters. Do I first and foremost see their humanity? Can I somehow transcend all that makes us unequal and find a connection at the heart level? Am I practicing seeing the light in them? Who are you?Tell me your story? What matters to you? This can be conveyed in a glance during a transactional relationship such as with a cashier ringing up my grocery items, or it can be a deliberate attempt to simply be present and listen deeply to those I’m with. I’m reminded of a book I read many years ago called the Friendship Factor. I can’t even remember the author. But my big takeaway was that everyone is a potential fried. It seems to fit somehow.
You’re beautiful piece reminds me to keep practicing. I’m very interested in hearing what others have to say as I have so much to learn and this too is an area I struggle. Thank you for your post.
As a child, I lived in two worlds too: I am a polio survivor but back then I was just crippled. In my regular school, I tried to hide my paralysis. But then I got sent to a Crippled Children's hospital in a different state. There, I was the most normal, the most capable out of all the other girls on the ward because I could walk. Staying there without family for months at a time, we attended hospital school unless you were still puking after surgery--a much different world. I was the privileged "have" among have-nots. Until I got back home. I had no cart on wheels, but I was desperate to be accepted. So I adopted a life rule: Always know that the "normies" have something wrong too but you might not see it and and second, always remember that everyone is doing the best they can. Maybe that's mutuality? Your Friend, Linda
Yes, that’s it! Thank you for sharing. And apologies for using the term polio “victim.” Im changing it to survivors.
I have a friend who, whenever she saw a person sitting alone, always went over and sat and talked with him or her. That was her way of reducing isolation.
In Australia there is zero tolerance for homelessness. If someone sees a homeless person, they report them to social services, which sends a van to pick them up and take them to a furnished apartment of their own. They provide the person with food, clothing, counseling, and whatever else they need, and find a job for them.
I think the solution is not economic equality or even social equality. It is establishing a reasonable base below which nobody is permitted to go, and providing the training and opportunities to enable that person to advance. I have grown to believe that wallowing in guilt is a useless, narcissistic activity, unless it results in positive action with real consequences. Self-esteem is the product of real accomplishments.
I pride myself on living a pretty unexamined life. :-) I always read your newsletters to dissolve some of the crust keeping me from really experiencing people and interactions. Bless you, darn it.
"I’d love to hear from you. Here’s a scenario for you—a real one I’ve been part of. You’re at a friend’s party, mainly members of her church. Everyone there is middle-to-upper class, well educated, successful. Except for one man, who is pretty obviously poor, uneducated, struggling. What is your approach? How do you achieve mutuality with this guest?"
Granted, the man we got to know a church party was well-educated – but nonetheless poorer than average for the congregation and obviously struggling.
I'm sure we weren't paragons toward him, but our moment of mutuality came when we accepted his invitation to dinner at his house. Strange house. But good dinner – he was a great conversationalist once you got him going, and had led an interesting life.
Sadly, I hadn't come to grips with some of my own health problems at the time, and got too wrapped up in what seemed necessary for me to lead a successful life while carting this carcass around to follow through with the friendship. But I remember the man fondly, the dinner fondly – and, if the man still remembers us, I hope he remembers fondly, too.
I think you've hit on something--allowing someone to share what they have, even if they have less than you, is a form of mutuality. Again, doesn't have to be economic/material.
Hate reaching the end of your posts, because I'm always left wanting more of your reminiscences, insights, & outstanding wordsmithing.
BTW, saw your photo in Ben Wittes' post today.
I was on his Dog Shirt Daily YouTube show yesterday!
What a gift to be able to articulate the reality of what most of us experience as a nagging feeling. The eternal question of the haves and have nots.. How to help without hurting. Thank you for a beautifully written examination of conscience 💜
This was beautiful and a good reminder to all to check ourselves at the door. My only thought when you asked that question was, I would have been hanging with the guy in the corner, this is my comfort position. I laughed at myself when my first thought was "I probably wouldn't have even gone to the party, what a brave man he is." I grew up on a dairy farm in a very rural area with everyone being on the same level basically, only the number of mouths to feed varied. When I was 9 my parents uprooted and moved to south Florida and yes I experienced overwhelming culture shock, I can't begin to list the differences. South Florida back then was still undeveloped and social class was over on Palm Beach and the rest of the normal folks lived on the other side of the ICW. Now, this place is for most of us who grew up here, unrecognizable, unaffordable and overwhelming. This is true even at church, sadly. For me, leveling the playing field so to speak is to remember where I came from. Despite having lived here the majority of my life, inside me I am still the girl who came from that rural farm and milked cows before going to school. I don't know, maybe it's being true to who you are.
Certainly mutuality is far easier when both people are comfortable in their own skin.
Mutuality is not just a problem when there are financial or status differences. I am an identical twin and was close to my twin till in our mid 50s we parted. The lack of mutuality was in our psyches. For reasons too hard to explain, he was the one who was free of any social responsibility and i was more or less his caretaker (but he was not impaired except emotionally). Anyway the breach is almost 20 years now.
Oh Terry, I'm so sorry. This must be very painful.
to elaborate... my brother stayed in the hospital and my mother came home with me. We were both small (9 lbs divided into 2 babies. We were premature and needed the incubator. My brother also had some muscle issues because we were squeezed into the womb of a 5'1" woman - i was 5 lbs 4 oz at birth but 22 inches. Anyway my mother's guilt caused her to remind me always to watch out for my brother. So if I was asked to come to a friend's house, to bring my brother. By the time I was an adult, I was programmed to protect him (even though we were both exceptional students and health). Thus we never formed full identities. So when a petty matter occurred it led over time to a complete break.
The issue of identical twins is complicated. Especially re forming a personality.
It is sad and I carry much resentment. But there is no way to resolve it now. We lived close for most of our lives but now he is 1000 miles away.
In any case, mutuality is luck - or so I believe.
.....
One more story of cultural differences. It was 1980 and I was assistant manager of a KFC in Xenia OH. One of my employees with a student a Central State - an historically black college. He was far smarter than our white employees who were like the hillbillies described by JD Vance. I was unique in the group because I was well educated (BFA and MFA) and well spoken. I also worked extremely hard. The black employee has never really seen many white up close (he was from Chicago's South Side. He and I became fairly close (both of us were outsiders). One time he basically told me that he did not realize that white college grads ever struggles - so worked in the junk jobs like a fast food store. But seeing me, he realized that yes, even whites worked hard. I moved back to NJ soon after this - but I think we could have been genuine friends. Mutuality is a spiritual gift.
This was beautiful writing, Holly: honest, heartfelt, and incisive in the way that it forces the reader to self-examine without being preachy. That is mutuality: bringing our own questions to the table and inviting inspection in the company of others. It's akin to a woman spilling her purse in public, and then admitting that yes, she does carry leftovers from her carryout lunch because the voice of her mother not to waste one morsel still echoes in her head. We all have issues, and the laughter that comes from identifying these issues and sharing them with others is the great equalizer.
Great metaphor!
Speaking as the one who's usually the mutt in the mix, my advice is to simply establish a conversation of mutual interests.
Some of us pass up the rat race by choice, not necessity. Doing amateur theater, we've got the usual mix of leisure elite and dead broke thespians, so you can guess who usually ends up hosting gatherings.
I look around at the posh of upper middle class and lower upper class and all I see is stress and anxiety and cost. Obviously it represents different things to different people and I'm not saying my view of such things is the objective truth, but for me it's just not worth it.
That said I live a spoiled American middle class life that looks obscenely wealthy to plenty of others, too.
In the end, find the things you connect on and don't presume more until you really know a person. We're all way more complicated than our stuff.
Finding commonalities is great. But sometimes there aren't many or any. To me the key is to find out what brings the other person joy. Could be something you are totally uninterested in. But if they are joyful about it, their enthusiasm will be contagious.
So good, as usual, Holly!
I think the best place to start any relationship is to connect on the similarities between people. I had an interaction this morning with a mom of a family that just moved here from somewhere I've lived. I had heard from my friend, who works at the school, that the mom was struggling with all of the things connected to enrolling her kids at the school in the US. I introduced myself and explained how I had lived where her family came from and welcomed her to the school. It took just a few minutes, but I hope she felt a connection with another parent in this strange, new place. Hopefully, we can build on that connection in the future. 🙂
Finding commonalities is great. But sometimes there aren't many or any. To me the key is to find out what brings the other person joy. Could be something you are totally uninterested in. But if they are joyful about it, their enthusiasm will be contagious.
I wish I had a profound answer to how we can get to authentic mutuality in our relationships. There seems to always be subtle power shifts in even those we’re closest to and most evenly paired, let alone those with extreme differences in areas of wealth, education, intelligence, attractiveness or in cases of service oriented professions where we’re the helper or the one seeking help. As a community nurse I worked primarily with people experiencing homelessness with behavioral health issues, so I’m very familiar with this type of imbalance in relationships.
However, I do think it’s what we bring to each and every relationship that really matters. Do I first and foremost see their humanity? Can I somehow transcend all that makes us unequal and find a connection at the heart level? Am I practicing seeing the light in them? Who are you?Tell me your story? What matters to you? This can be conveyed in a glance during a transactional relationship such as with a cashier ringing up my grocery items, or it can be a deliberate attempt to simply be present and listen deeply to those I’m with. I’m reminded of a book I read many years ago called the Friendship Factor. I can’t even remember the author. But my big takeaway was that everyone is a potential fried. It seems to fit somehow.
You’re beautiful piece reminds me to keep practicing. I’m very interested in hearing what others have to say as I have so much to learn and this too is an area I struggle. Thank you for your post.
Major wisdom here. And I know it is hard won from your work. Bless you.