Damn Ms. Berkeley Fletcher. Every time I read your articles I am so moved, inspired or, as with this one, embarrassed by my own behavior (or lack thereof). I think I’ll call my brother with whom I’ve not spoken for over 20 years for stupid reasons and total laziness. As usual, thank you for your inspiration.
That was beautiful. I think that many of us who have been lucky (through "dumb" luck), have had a Jana in our lives. But ALL of us have been you. Thanks for being so transparent. This piece reminds me of the Episcopal confession that includes asking forgiveness for "things undone."
"Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone."
We are in this with you. That's why it resonates so deeply.
(Takes a long, hard look at living room.) Hey, Holly, wanna visit sometime?
My asthma is so sensitive to smoking (of either popular kind) that it by itself has, I'm sure, kept me out of plenty of mischief. Still, my mother-in-law, whom I loved, smoked cigarettes. I'd pack extra medicine and just not do anything terribly strenuous while I visited her. She'd volunteer to smoke outside starting a few days before my visit. We made it work well enough, and I kind of looked down on the one blood relation of hers who gave her hell, or at least heck, about her smoking – the only in-law of mine I've met that I haven't gotten along with.
I miss my mother-in-law.
I was part of the crew who took her on her last camping trip, where she got chipmunks drunk by letting them lap up some very Irish coffee. Later, we scattered her ashes at her favorite campsites. Here's hoping her spirit still puts mischief in the chipmunks. They seem to have plenty.
As far as I can tell, not more than it hurts us, and likely less.
I am not a biologist – but with an internet connection, I can skim bio papers – the cladistics of alcohol tolerance being of fascination to at least some nerds with the proper skills. Apparently, rodents are better at metabolizing alcohol than we are?
This makes sense. Critters who must eat overwintered produce to survive can't be too picky – some of it will be alcoholic. Among birds, cedar waxwings apparently have a high alcohol tolerance for this reason – though even it can be exceeded. Kindly Canadians have been known to make wee little drunk tanks for waxwings too plastered to fly straight.
It reminds me of a time, early in my NYC sojourn, when my 88-year-old (very feisty, very Jewish, very liberal) grandmother got tickets for me and my friend (my main theater collaborator) to see a Broadway play she had just enjoyed. She got us amazing Orchestra seats, dead center, and when the show started, the first thing we saw was a line of nude men romping around a beach. My friend--gay, tolerant, progressive, but of very midwestern upbringing--turned to me in shock and horror and said, "your GRANDMOTHER got us these tickets?"
I'm so sorry Holly. It's a good reminder for us to reach out to the people in our lives, whoever they are, just to say hi and maybe thank them for being our friends. I'm remembering something I just wrote in another post about remembering where I came from. Yeah... that.
It’s not too late to be the Jana to some young woman who needs an older friend to show her that she can change her life do scary things, and come out OK on the other side.
Thank you so much for this. I, too, had an older friend that was there for me and I let her down, too. I was so involved in my life, my three toddlers, the flotsam and jetsam of getting through it all that I was not there for her. I know she would say “I love you, don’t worry about it”. But even now, decades later, I want to say “I loved you, Betty, and I am so, so sorry I did not lice up to the responsibility of that live and to our friendship.
Wow. What a beautiful tribute to your amazing friend, Jana. She was a true blessing to you and at least partly because of her you have become a blessing to everyone who reads this newsletter. Thank you.
As someone who is WAAAAAY more comparable giving help than asking for or receiving it, she may have been more comfortable being the giver than the recipient. Obviously I didn’t know her so I’m just throwing this out there, but regardless of all that I hope you’ll afford yourself some grace.
I hear there was a guy who talked a lot about giving grace and forgiveness to others and **also to ourselves.** I think you might be familiar with Him.
This was so eloquent and kind and powerful and certainly resonated with me. I was born in March of 1953 and my wife was born with your friend Jana in May of 1953. What a beautiful tribute to your friend. Thank you Holly for sharing your heart and for so sweetly and beautifully honoring Jana and her important and deep influence in your life.
Damn Ms. Berkeley Fletcher. Every time I read your articles I am so moved, inspired or, as with this one, embarrassed by my own behavior (or lack thereof). I think I’ll call my brother with whom I’ve not spoken for over 20 years for stupid reasons and total laziness. As usual, thank you for your inspiration.
That was beautiful. I think that many of us who have been lucky (through "dumb" luck), have had a Jana in our lives. But ALL of us have been you. Thanks for being so transparent. This piece reminds me of the Episcopal confession that includes asking forgiveness for "things undone."
"Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone."
We are in this with you. That's why it resonates so deeply.
Oh, yes.
I was having trouble trying to think of what to say, so thanks for saying it better than I would have.
I love your beautiful friend.
You would have LOVED her. A true blue liberal from Oklahoma. I'm so sad she won't see our first woman president sworn in. She'll be there though.
(Takes a long, hard look at living room.) Hey, Holly, wanna visit sometime?
My asthma is so sensitive to smoking (of either popular kind) that it by itself has, I'm sure, kept me out of plenty of mischief. Still, my mother-in-law, whom I loved, smoked cigarettes. I'd pack extra medicine and just not do anything terribly strenuous while I visited her. She'd volunteer to smoke outside starting a few days before my visit. We made it work well enough, and I kind of looked down on the one blood relation of hers who gave her hell, or at least heck, about her smoking – the only in-law of mine I've met that I haven't gotten along with.
I miss my mother-in-law.
I was part of the crew who took her on her last camping trip, where she got chipmunks drunk by letting them lap up some very Irish coffee. Later, we scattered her ashes at her favorite campsites. Here's hoping her spirit still puts mischief in the chipmunks. They seem to have plenty.
OK I might have to get some chipmunks drunk. It doesn't hurt them does it?
As far as I can tell, not more than it hurts us, and likely less.
I am not a biologist – but with an internet connection, I can skim bio papers – the cladistics of alcohol tolerance being of fascination to at least some nerds with the proper skills. Apparently, rodents are better at metabolizing alcohol than we are?
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7211468/
This makes sense. Critters who must eat overwintered produce to survive can't be too picky – some of it will be alcoholic. Among birds, cedar waxwings apparently have a high alcohol tolerance for this reason – though even it can be exceeded. Kindly Canadians have been known to make wee little drunk tanks for waxwings too plastered to fly straight.
https://northernwoodlands.org/outside_story/article/animals-alcohol
Now I know what to tell them at the liquor store when I'm buying $100 worth of booze - "It's not for me, it's for the chipmunks!"
Beautiful peace about your beautiful friend. Thank you for sharing it.
And I know EXACTLY what play you're talking about!
Ha! I should have anticipated …i did not
It reminds me of a time, early in my NYC sojourn, when my 88-year-old (very feisty, very Jewish, very liberal) grandmother got tickets for me and my friend (my main theater collaborator) to see a Broadway play she had just enjoyed. She got us amazing Orchestra seats, dead center, and when the show started, the first thing we saw was a line of nude men romping around a beach. My friend--gay, tolerant, progressive, but of very midwestern upbringing--turned to me in shock and horror and said, "your GRANDMOTHER got us these tickets?"
Moving the fulcrum. I am going to remember that. And I have a couple of people in mind to do just that.
I'm so sorry Holly. It's a good reminder for us to reach out to the people in our lives, whoever they are, just to say hi and maybe thank them for being our friends. I'm remembering something I just wrote in another post about remembering where I came from. Yeah... that.
I’m sorry, Holly. What a lovely tribute.
It’s not too late to be the Jana to some young woman who needs an older friend to show her that she can change her life do scary things, and come out OK on the other side.
That would be an honor.
Thank you so much for this. I, too, had an older friend that was there for me and I let her down, too. I was so involved in my life, my three toddlers, the flotsam and jetsam of getting through it all that I was not there for her. I know she would say “I love you, don’t worry about it”. But even now, decades later, I want to say “I loved you, Betty, and I am so, so sorry I did not lice up to the responsibility of that live and to our friendship.
Tedi, read Bern’s comment. It’s for you (and me).
Wow. What a beautiful tribute to your amazing friend, Jana. She was a true blessing to you and at least partly because of her you have become a blessing to everyone who reads this newsletter. Thank you.
So true.
Hey Holly,
As someone who is WAAAAAY more comparable giving help than asking for or receiving it, she may have been more comfortable being the giver than the recipient. Obviously I didn’t know her so I’m just throwing this out there, but regardless of all that I hope you’ll afford yourself some grace.
I hear there was a guy who talked a lot about giving grace and forgiveness to others and **also to ourselves.** I think you might be familiar with Him.
That was wonderful. Hopefully we’re all familiar with Him.
This was so eloquent and kind and powerful and certainly resonated with me. I was born in March of 1953 and my wife was born with your friend Jana in May of 1953. What a beautiful tribute to your friend. Thank you Holly for sharing your heart and for so sweetly and beautifully honoring Jana and her important and deep influence in your life.
Your writing often moves to tears, and frequently to laughter.
And now I have to reflect on my own deficiencies- where I have taken, and haven’t returned that grace.
What a lovely tribute to your amazing friend.
Hugs and love. To both of you.