JD Vance's Theory of Menopause

This explains everything

The menopausal women of the world owe JD Vance an enormous debt gratitude for helping them understand why their bodies no longer work.

It’s because they don’t need to. Their entire function on this earth—being sexy and birthing and rearing the children that must result from being sexy—has ended.

In golden days of yore, when everything was perfect/racist and women spent their lives serving male needs, females of the species would all just die at this point. But due to advances in medical technology, many women are stubbornly living past menopause. Even though everyone tried very hard to ensure those advances had nothing to do with women’s health.

The good news is these pig-headed survivors are welcome to be grandmothers. If their brain function supports it, and particularly if they are Indian, they are even allowed to be very involved, but not too busy-body-ish, grandmothers. Otherwise, they can just serve as seat cushions for the chairs that rock babies to sleep.

JD Vance’s brilliant Theory of Menopause at last explains pretty much every menopausal symptom you may be experiencing if you are a mummified former lady waiting to die:

• Weight gain. Not only does this make women less attractive to men of all ages, reducing the risk sperm is wasted on people who can no longer perpetuate the human race, it’s the result of their metabolisms retiring. Because why efficiently fuel bodies that should no longer be alive.

  

• Hot flashes. This is a very helpful preview of hell to spiritually prepare women for their hopefully impending deaths. Also, if they do happen to survive longer, it helps keep the grandchildren warm in winter.

• Foul moods. While not helpful for those who are raising grandchildren (Indian women do not have this symptom), bad tempers do tend to distance the useless from breeding society and also raise the chances they will be murdered by someone.

• Vaginal dryness. This functions as a professional security force for elderly female sexuality. There’s no defunding this police, and there ain’t no breaking and entering by Antifa rioters.

  

• Osteoporosis. Again, this is the body slowly retiring. Bones like Swiss cheese decompose much more rapidly and less wastefully.

• Insomnia. This is so women can get up during the night with the grandchildren and their parents can sleep and have more sex/produce more children. Older breasts may no longer produce milk, but they are very low and flat, making them ideal swaddle blankets.

• Thinning hair. Hair is time consuming in both life and death. Breaks down very slowly. Make a pillow or mattress for the grandchildren.

• Foggy brains. You don’t need to meal plan or coordinate kid activities anymore, there are moms for that. The moms will tell you where you need to be and when, very slowly and loudly if needed. Since all you need to do is follow basic instructions, you no longer need like 9/10ths of your brain.

  

See, now it all makes sense.

Menopausal bodies are like those pesky employees who are five years from retirement and do nothing more than collect their hefty salaries. They won’t leave, you can’t fire them, and they don’t work. They cannot be motivated. They tend to not know what is going on, nor do they care. Also, they smell like rotting pine trees soaked in moth balls.

If JD were a Menopausal Body Supervisor, here’s how its performance review would go:

JD: We need to discuss the recent drop off in your reproductivity.

MB: Well, yes, I’ve kind of outgrown my current position, but my major internal organs still work just fine. I have a lot left to give to this company.

JD: First of all, do they still work? Or maybe the better question is, Should they still work?

MB: I’m not sure what you’re suggesting—

JD: But leaving that aside, your entire job description when you were hired related to reproduction. Which you are not doing anymore. Like, at all.

MB: OK, true, but can’t we just rewrite my Key Job Expectations? I’m really wise and creative now. I do yoga and read Brene Brown. I have leadership skills.

JD: Well, that’s a problem right there.

MB: ????

JD: We can’t, and more importantly, we won’t rewrite your KJEs. We expect you to reproduce, period. Which you inconveniently no longer have.

MB: So are you firing me?

JD: Unfortunately, we can’t, because unions and human rights or whatever. We just have to wait for you to quit. Until then, we’re going to try our best to ignore you. Oh wait, I know, you can work in the company daycare for free.

MB: But I didn’t even like my own small children.

JD: There, problem solved. Tell HR when you’re ready to skedaddle.