Thank you for writing this blog. In 1986, when we were about to have our first child, my then-wife and I decided that I would be the one who would primarily take care of our kids, and mostly at home, which was something we wanted one of us to do. She wanted to continue working 80 hours a week, plus some at home, because she wanted to move up in the Big Law firm where she was a lawyer. Over the next many years I thought of myself as a stay-at-home-mom, and my cohorts, all women, thought of me that way, too. I had close friends in our play group, our babysitting Co-op, and later in our parenting group among at-home parents whose kids’ attended the same school. I was always the only male (which was rarely a subject). That was where I fit. I loved taking care of our daughters, frequently other people's children, and all that goes into taking care of a home, of which probably everyone who reads this blog knows. And I belonged - was part of that community, with those people, those women, my friends and parenting compatriots.
But, when our kids were 15 and 16 my then-wife decided we would get divorced (we were no longer simpatico). Our daughters, being mid-teen-agers as well as female, related more to their mother at that stage & decided they would stay with her. After that I was no longer in the milieu where I had had friends, no longer part of a community - and years have passed during which I have often felt lonely. I do not relate well with men - have PTSD from years ago - and no longer have “normal” reasons to have women friends, or be in groups consisting only of women, as I had before. The loneliness has been hard, as is anyone's loneliness; I get that. You asked us how loneliness feels - it feels like an empty stomach with a small rat inside gnawing at the lining.
Holly, I just read your essay asserting that women have always done the connecting that kept people from feeling so lonely as many in our culture feel now. I had not thought of that and am glad you did; I concur.
Man, those girls are lucky to have you as a dad! And I believe 100% they will come back around to you. But, as you describe, that's just one part of your loss. I hope you will soon find your new place.
Thanks for your comment, Rick, I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m a wife and mother of young adults, lost my mother when I was very young, was raised in religious institutions, and by my dad, so the community of mothers and children was extremely healing for me. And I miss it. But I’m always looking ahead and moving onwards to the next healing and rich life experience.
We the disabled amongst you, long to be more than an inspiration. Wherever you meet someone who's freakin' inspiring, know that there's a lonely, broken or not enough person in there too. Go beyond inspiration and see your hurt, your brokenness in every person you meet. Then embrace it as your own. I also wrote on a similar topic today: https://open.substack.com/pub/lindasclare/p/go-ahead-inspire-me?r=2xna6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
It's almost scary to find out how those you thought were so different are really much the same: in need of belonging, acceptance, love. A smile doesn't hurt either. Thanks for your post, Hollie. We truly are all in this together. ~Linda S. Clare
That's a lovely post, Linda. And I think you hit on something all of us probably feel--that tension of wanting to fit in--to be like everyone else--and also seen as a unique person. I can see how being disabled makes that particularly acute. But I have also felt this as someone with a bizarre upbringing. Do I want people to understand me, which probably requires me also working to find our commonality, or do I want to be special? Being special or inspirational is indeed lonely.
This is a wonderful project, Holly, worthy of being your theme for 2024. Loneliness is so hard, but the pressure to conform to how other people think when I'm in a group makes me feel very isolated, even if I'm surrounded by people. I'm in a constant cycle of going out into the world and engaging, and then feeling like my efforts are rejected and taking it too personally and trying to change myself to fit better. Unsurprisingly, these attempts don't succeed and I'm still me at the end of the day. That's why I find writing easier than talking. The scope is so much wider! If I was speaking to someone who asked if I was lonely, I'd clam up or say, "No, no, I'm fine! I am not a crackpot!" But hey, new writing group in person starts next week. I gotta keep trying. I will be reading advice here, that's for sure!
Thanks for sharing, Kate. I think there's a fine line between conforming because you feel you must and adapting out of choice or interest. I think writing is a great way to engage and belong. Happy to be here with you.
They said TCKs were the prototype of the next generation. Maybe in saying that, they should have taken our issues seriously and not gaslighted us into oblivion. Then people might know how to handle the coming generation.
(And yes, “gaslighted” is correct and “gaslit” is not. The word comes from the movie “Gaslight”. Sincerely, a pedantic MK)
Yeah, it's also come to mean, for example, people who grow up with their family culture being very different than the surrounding culture even if it's the country where they hold citizenship.
For this reason I often really click with people who are first generation immigrants - they get it WRT to the weird "I am two different people all the time" thing that I have. They, like me, "pass" as completely normal Americans, with American citizenship but then they go home for Christmas and Grandma speaks three languages but none of them English.
A few months after moving back to Canada for University, I would catch myself 'randomly' looking at one corner of my room. I took me a while to put two and two together until I realized I was doing it at times that I craved human interaction - that corner had my stereo and was my connection to the outside world. I had been to boarding school for almost all my elementary and high school years (which for me was a great experience, but that is a different story) and living without having roommates and friends around at all times was a huge, and difficult, adjustment. It was around that time I also realized that seeing people once a week just wasn't enough to really establish connections and friendships. I was going to a campus group on Friday nights but wasn't really making friends. Once I figured out which church most of them went to and began going there, we had Fridays and Sundays in common and friendships began. In the book a Severe Mercy the author describes how he and his wife figured that a relationship is based on hundreds and thousands of shared experiences. They decided the more they shared the stronger their relationship would be and they took it to the nth degree (e.g. each reading EVERY book the other had read in childhood, etc..). I think loneliness stems from having limited shared experiences with others - which is why anything that limits opportunity for shared experience - illness, changing (jobs, homes, or viewpoints/values), disability, unique childhoods, trauma, etc... increases the risk of loneliness. And probably why, for me at least, getting involved in some way is a short cut to establishing connection - if you are working together for some purpose it naturally creates shared experiences.
What does loneliness feel like? For me it feels like empty, like a void, a quiet that could swallow you. Unlike sadness or frustration which feel like they have a center and focus to them - loneliness is a vast lostness. When you are lonely there is nothing to anchor you to the world; you don't matter - it is very existential.
So I wrote all that and then re-read other's comments and thought some more and while I still think what I wrote is true there is also something else. I think most feel like I belong when I am needed, when people ask me for help with something. And I am most lonely when I need help and can't think of anyone who would understand my problem and be able to help me. I don't know if that is universal or related to some personality type but it is a big part of belonging and loneliness for me.
I really love this. I felt a particular rhythm in reading this...maybe it was the highs and lows described in your loneliness. I wanted to start by saying “very nice writing”. I’m pretty sure I have never felt loneliness and probably never will. I used to think I was an extrovert but I love being alone. I could spend hours and days just reading, cleaning, walking, doing my own thing. When I am with people I love that too. I can easily strike up conversations anywhere - DMV, an elevator, on I95 during a traffic shut down for a medic flight evacuation (misery loves company). At work, I either have to telework or close my door if I want to get any serious work done. My boss once sarcastically accused me of keeping a water cooler in my office because I am one of those people who everyone visits within their day.
Ironically I always have the feeling of not fitting it. I’m a civilian in law enforcement, I’m a minority, I’m female, I’m liberal, now I’m older than most of my co-workers. I could also say the same for my community. Not fitting in could make you lonely but it also requires you to try to make a place for yourself. If I lost my spouse, maybe I’d feel different? Maybe I take that for granted?
I don’t believe MAGA is lonely. They have plenty of company. They seem to always find each other at the rallies and social media. They have whole swaths of red counties, towns and red states. I’m always amazed how many outs and excuses we give White people who have no problem with kids in cages, banning certain people, pregnant women dying for treatable conditions, ransacking the Capitol, and denying other people’s history because it doesn’t make them feel great. If any other group in the Country was complicit in these actions - no one would ever consider or even give a crap if they had friends. Generations of minorities lived without having communities or with their communities under attack. Millions of minorities live in communities they are not welcomed in. MAGA has been telling everyone what they want - they want to come first, they want to be on top, they want unearned respect, they want to be able to say all the things to all the people they don’t like and most importantly they don’t want any consequences for their actions. I don’t know why our society just won’t accept who they are and what they want.
"Not fitting in could make you lonely but it also requires you to try to make a place for yourself."--This is so true! sounds like you are also blessed with some natural skills with people. On MAGA, I agree, and in fact, they have created a community--granted, a toxic, dangerous one, but I do think the community aspect of it is part of the draw. Probably why it's now hard to break it up, too. It's a community built on mutual fear and entitlement.
I grew up on the other of Africa (waves) and also have a boarding school experience with similar loneliness threads woven into it. I find that now, at age (nearly 50 cough) I feel most "like myself" with other "former-expats," or "third culture kids" but, notably! NOT those who are still today in the (very aggressively hardcore fundamentalisty evangelical) faith that my boarding school was. (I attended the school as a dirty Lutheranaretheyevensaved?) I keep in touch with some of the kids I grew up with in Africa - but they were not at that boarding school with me.
The closest friends I have as an adult are two women who have both also spent significant time overseas, one a former military brat, and one who's husband worked in Czechia & Taiwan for many years.
I think the takeaway there is that a common background is often a strong underpinning for a feeling of close community. That's different from what David French called a "faction friendship" - a friendship which is based on common cause, likes, dislikes, or enemies.
The other place I feel most myself is (weirdly) a close knit online community of car enthusiasts. We are all VERY different politically - so much so that the group has rules about talking about politics - but this weirdo bunch of 30-40 people are FRIENDS FOR REALS. I mean, a couple of the guys even road-tripped a few states away to attend a funeral when one of our people died of cancer.
In THAT case, the "hanging out together online" has become the shared experience. And importantly - there's no cause or faction involved (unless you count the several grand the group raised to donate to our deceased friend's favorite cat sanctuary.)
I think that one reason there is a lot of loneliness is that a lot of groups (and any "friendship" that still exists) focuses on a cause or faction, not on shared experiences. Once the faction disappears, so does the relationship. Or once you yourself change your views about said cause or faction (like, for example, deciding against the mommy group you're in to vote against Trump but I digress...) you're out. The relationship is dead.
The way French laid this out made so much sense to me and it's really stuck with me.
I think generally, across the board, too many people focus on categories vs actual human experience in which we all share. So for me--I spent many years only thinking of myself as an MK that could not be understood by anyone apart from that category. And that's all I really knew about myself, too. Sounds like your car friends have gone deeper than category or even the mutual interest. We all have so much in common, all of us. Except for the sociopaths, of course.
I (and my family) are starting to find community in a UU congregation we started attending in August (after 2 years of no church following a much-needed exit of all our previous communities). I think that’s due mostly to joining their D&D group, honestly. (That was one of the draws.) We meet pretty much every Friday with the same people and share food and kill monsters. It’s opened doors to more conversations and feeling more interested in joining things they have going on. For our introverted family, this is a big deal.
I am fortunate that I don't struggle with loneliness despite being single and living alone. I thank my parents, whose neglectful 1970's parenting technique prepared me for the life I am now living.
Growing up in 70's suburbia, my mom had friends. They were our neighbors, the parents of MY school friends, and the ladies in her Sunday School class. I remember my parents actually going to something called "dinner parties," where adults only would eat and socialize. Children were left at home with "baby sitters." In high school, I earned a nice income watching TV at a neighbor's house while the adults went out and the children slept.
Nobody I know lives like this anymore.
5 years ago, I sold the house I grew up in and moved to another town about 30 minutes away. I've met a handful of my new neighbors. They seem nice. I have the name and phone number of exactly one person. She was kind enough to take my trashcans to the curb for me after I became disabled and picked up groceries for me during the pandemic. But nobody even notices when I was hospitalized for 3 months. In my old neighborhood, I had 3 separate neighbors call me at work when I hired a maid and they noticed a strange car parked in my driveway. Now, a moving truck could pull up to my door and clean out the house and nobody would even notice.
I struggled for a year to find a new church. I like my new pastor (he actually visited me in the hospital.) I enjoy the choir. But every time I talk to people I become alarmed. A lot of vaccine deniers in our congregation. I don't dare join a Sunday School class. I walked out of a ladies dinner after the conversation turned to transgenderism. I live in terror they will find out I voted for Biden.
In my 20's, I had coworker friends and we would go out for drinks after work occasionally. Nobody does this anymore. You don't want to be "friends" with your coworkers. Just try to get along 8 hours a day. Things get too complicated when you socialize outside of work, and it's too painful to get attached to them and have them leave.
Everyone I know is completely engulfed with their family. Every weekend, every holiday, every spare moment you may claw out from your busy life involves children, spouse, in-laws, parents and possibly siblings (if you're lucky.) There are no "girls' nights" or guy's weekends. At least not among my set. I don't know any men who get to play golf on weekends like my father did 50 years ago.
I never had children. I no longer have parents. Or a husband. I spent Thanksgiving AND Christmas eating takeout at home alone, because all of my friends spend the holidays with their FAMILIES. Everyone knows I'm alone. And yet not one single person even bothered to ask "So, what are you doing for the holidays?"
My only suggestion is that we need a "friends" app like we have dating apps. "Single woman in 50's. Loves cats. Looking for friends for dinners out, concerts, movies and occassional travel. Non smokers only." Anyone want to hang tonight? Join me on a trip to Paris so I don't have to pay for single occupancy? See the next MCU movie when it hits theaters?
We totally should have friends apps! Why don’t we??? Someone needs to do that.
One thing you brought up that just annoys me to no end is wall between people with kids and people without. There is absolutely no need for this and it cheats everyone. I’ve never played this game, we have a lot of childless friends.
I have found a wonderful support group on Facebook. Everyone met from following a popular WSJ column, then a group of Trump haters branched off on their own. Over the years, they invited their ACTUAL friends to join. It's been awesome! We have a place to share our political opinions without alienating our friends and family. Maybe you could start a Facebook group like that? I heard Sarah Isgur over at The Dispatch talking about their comments section turning into a dating app! You could help bring your own fans together for friendship, dating, or just a place to vent.
Meetup is exactly that - and it has really been a huge support for me as a single person. People organize groups focused on interests - I participate in a women over 50 hiking group, a group that reads scientific and cultural analysis articles and meets to discuss them, a group that meets to sing harmony without any concertizing goal, and a number of others that I drop in on. This is all in Portland, OR, where people are exceptionally friendly, but I think it works anywhere. Primarily because the stated purpose of the groups is to MEET OTHER PEOPLE. I've never been to a meetup where people weren't genuinely open, curious and warm about connecting. Even if no deep friendships are formed (though in my experience, a number have been) the pleasure of having open and warm conversations with people who are looking to connect with others offers a magical way to integrate social connection into my world.
I am as lonely as I have ever been. When my mother died last year, I lost the last person who really knows me. A lay off last year exposed the insufficiency of work friendships, however warm and sincerely maintained. And as a gay man who will turn 60 next year, my generational cohort is tiny (thanks, AIDS!). Add to that the well-documented difficulty of establishing adult friendships, and the loss of youth that once made me interesting and/or fuckable, and you end up with me, an intractably lonely man. At this point I'm trying to make peace with that, somehow, and keep socializing in the hope of connection, however difficult and pointless it sometime seems. But unless things change, no one will even notice I'm gone at the end of my (LONG, NON-SUICIDAL) life, except maybe the corpse dog who discovers me. (I reiterate: I am NOT suicidal)
Thank you for your vulnerability. I find naming my feelings out loud in itself is comforting and I hope that’s the case for you. Please keep sharing with us here. What are you passionate about? What are you good at? What brings you joy?
Former Evangelicals who haven't given up on church and who join mainline Protestant churches---please please please help us build a culture of Bible study and small groups. Holly--if your church doesn't do those things, can you start a Bible Study group?
I'm an Episcopalian and our priest is working very hard to do both things. You can take the boy out of the south, but....anyway.....it is working. It's slow, and there is a LOT of resistance because he's trying to graft the best of one Christian culture onto what you describe and my former priest described as "an hour on Sunday." We do see lots of Evangelical refugees in our churches but they are either so damaged and burned out that all they want is to be left alone, or enthusiastic about leaving all the Evangelical things behind and aren't talking about the Bible or about small groups.
Hi Holly! Just discovered your substack and love the discussion you are starting. As a fellow adult MK with a boarding school background (and complex current relationship with faith) as well as being a practicing mental health counselor, belonging has been on my mind for a long time. I am currently reading Surgeon General Vivek Murthy’s book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. It’s fantastic and addresses a lot of the issues you raised in this post. As for your question, I’ve spent years working to cultivate belonging in my relationships with varied success. At this point, both a lot of risk and labor (it’s so hard to yourself out there!) plus finding some truly amazing people has finally given me a sense of belonging in the world. I have a handful of neighbors I adore. We are all from completely different backgrounds, but I think we all share the sense of desire to be connected and care for each other for our own and our children’s sakes. For the sake of brevity, I won’t go on here, but looking forward to following more of the discussion. :-)
Something I've been thinking about too. Realized last year that I've never actually been part of anything. Neither Christianity nor the military made me want to stick around, never held a job long enough to make work friends, and no idea where else to find people. Let alone how I'm supposed to go from "comes to meetings" to "one of us." I've got ideas, but I wonder how applicable they may be...after all, I've had no luck, so what do I know?
I have some, but they're entirely from an outsider's perspective coming in. Which might be useful. Here are things which various failed groups (I was a member of) didn't do.
1. Make people welcome. When new faces (especially solo ones) come in, someone meets them, makes conversation, eases them into the larger circles so they don't just stand around. Introduce people, get them through the first awkwardness. (Traditionally the host/ess duty, which is probably why it's fallen out of practice.)
2. Get people involved. There's work involved in making a community that's more than just "random friends." Putting things into writing makes the group more real...and puts the work into perspective. And not just regular embers; if there are new enthusiastic members, get them involved. Giving people an actual part of the thing they can contribute to works - on kids and adults.
3. Establish acceptable behaviors. This can be in writing or in person, but everyone should have at least some idea of what is acceptable. Not just anti-social and inappropriate behavior, but things like "are R-rated jokes fine" and "how political do we allow conversations?" If someone transgresses an invisible line, let them know. (In these days where consensus reality is breaking down, even navigating some matter of manners like pronouns can go awry if people aren't coming from the same background.)
Of course, all of these take effort, emotional labor, time, and possibly money on the part of the organizers. Plus the usual difficulties when not-quite-reliable people come together.
I'm also thinking a lot about belonging in 2024. For me, that boarding school we both attended (or maybe just my childhood in general) taught me that belonging wasn't really something I needed. That I was independent and self-sufficient and could take care of myself, thank you very much. And while I have a lot of compassion for the ways that this idea protected me from pain, it's only in the last couple years that I've realized that...wait a sec...maybe I do want this thing called belonging after all? Maybe pretending I didn't need it was a way of not noticing that I didn't have it? When you ask what belonging feels like, I'm not really sure that I know. Frankly, I think I'm only just learning to spot the loneliness in me. I'm not totally sure how to move from loneliness to belonging, but I think a good first step is learning how to actually feel it in the first place. ❤️
Thank you for writing this blog. In 1986, when we were about to have our first child, my then-wife and I decided that I would be the one who would primarily take care of our kids, and mostly at home, which was something we wanted one of us to do. She wanted to continue working 80 hours a week, plus some at home, because she wanted to move up in the Big Law firm where she was a lawyer. Over the next many years I thought of myself as a stay-at-home-mom, and my cohorts, all women, thought of me that way, too. I had close friends in our play group, our babysitting Co-op, and later in our parenting group among at-home parents whose kids’ attended the same school. I was always the only male (which was rarely a subject). That was where I fit. I loved taking care of our daughters, frequently other people's children, and all that goes into taking care of a home, of which probably everyone who reads this blog knows. And I belonged - was part of that community, with those people, those women, my friends and parenting compatriots.
But, when our kids were 15 and 16 my then-wife decided we would get divorced (we were no longer simpatico). Our daughters, being mid-teen-agers as well as female, related more to their mother at that stage & decided they would stay with her. After that I was no longer in the milieu where I had had friends, no longer part of a community - and years have passed during which I have often felt lonely. I do not relate well with men - have PTSD from years ago - and no longer have “normal” reasons to have women friends, or be in groups consisting only of women, as I had before. The loneliness has been hard, as is anyone's loneliness; I get that. You asked us how loneliness feels - it feels like an empty stomach with a small rat inside gnawing at the lining.
Holly, I just read your essay asserting that women have always done the connecting that kept people from feeling so lonely as many in our culture feel now. I had not thought of that and am glad you did; I concur.
Man, those girls are lucky to have you as a dad! And I believe 100% they will come back around to you. But, as you describe, that's just one part of your loss. I hope you will soon find your new place.
Thank you. You are very kind.
Thanks for your comment, Rick, I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m a wife and mother of young adults, lost my mother when I was very young, was raised in religious institutions, and by my dad, so the community of mothers and children was extremely healing for me. And I miss it. But I’m always looking ahead and moving onwards to the next healing and rich life experience.
We the disabled amongst you, long to be more than an inspiration. Wherever you meet someone who's freakin' inspiring, know that there's a lonely, broken or not enough person in there too. Go beyond inspiration and see your hurt, your brokenness in every person you meet. Then embrace it as your own. I also wrote on a similar topic today: https://open.substack.com/pub/lindasclare/p/go-ahead-inspire-me?r=2xna6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
It's almost scary to find out how those you thought were so different are really much the same: in need of belonging, acceptance, love. A smile doesn't hurt either. Thanks for your post, Hollie. We truly are all in this together. ~Linda S. Clare
That's a lovely post, Linda. And I think you hit on something all of us probably feel--that tension of wanting to fit in--to be like everyone else--and also seen as a unique person. I can see how being disabled makes that particularly acute. But I have also felt this as someone with a bizarre upbringing. Do I want people to understand me, which probably requires me also working to find our commonality, or do I want to be special? Being special or inspirational is indeed lonely.
Your story is very unique, Holly. But I read you because of the way you find the universal and the human (and the humor) in the telling.
Thanks, that’s always my goal!
This is a wonderful project, Holly, worthy of being your theme for 2024. Loneliness is so hard, but the pressure to conform to how other people think when I'm in a group makes me feel very isolated, even if I'm surrounded by people. I'm in a constant cycle of going out into the world and engaging, and then feeling like my efforts are rejected and taking it too personally and trying to change myself to fit better. Unsurprisingly, these attempts don't succeed and I'm still me at the end of the day. That's why I find writing easier than talking. The scope is so much wider! If I was speaking to someone who asked if I was lonely, I'd clam up or say, "No, no, I'm fine! I am not a crackpot!" But hey, new writing group in person starts next week. I gotta keep trying. I will be reading advice here, that's for sure!
Thanks for sharing, Kate. I think there's a fine line between conforming because you feel you must and adapting out of choice or interest. I think writing is a great way to engage and belong. Happy to be here with you.
They said TCKs were the prototype of the next generation. Maybe in saying that, they should have taken our issues seriously and not gaslighted us into oblivion. Then people might know how to handle the coming generation.
(And yes, “gaslighted” is correct and “gaslit” is not. The word comes from the movie “Gaslight”. Sincerely, a pedantic MK)
Thanks for translating, Holly.
Not sure what "TCKs" and "MK" are.
MK=missionary kid (me and preston) TCK= third culture kid, of which mk is a subset but it’s anyone who grows up in a country not their citizenship
Yeah, it's also come to mean, for example, people who grow up with their family culture being very different than the surrounding culture even if it's the country where they hold citizenship.
For this reason I often really click with people who are first generation immigrants - they get it WRT to the weird "I am two different people all the time" thing that I have. They, like me, "pass" as completely normal Americans, with American citizenship but then they go home for Christmas and Grandma speaks three languages but none of them English.
Thanks for the translation.
A few months after moving back to Canada for University, I would catch myself 'randomly' looking at one corner of my room. I took me a while to put two and two together until I realized I was doing it at times that I craved human interaction - that corner had my stereo and was my connection to the outside world. I had been to boarding school for almost all my elementary and high school years (which for me was a great experience, but that is a different story) and living without having roommates and friends around at all times was a huge, and difficult, adjustment. It was around that time I also realized that seeing people once a week just wasn't enough to really establish connections and friendships. I was going to a campus group on Friday nights but wasn't really making friends. Once I figured out which church most of them went to and began going there, we had Fridays and Sundays in common and friendships began. In the book a Severe Mercy the author describes how he and his wife figured that a relationship is based on hundreds and thousands of shared experiences. They decided the more they shared the stronger their relationship would be and they took it to the nth degree (e.g. each reading EVERY book the other had read in childhood, etc..). I think loneliness stems from having limited shared experiences with others - which is why anything that limits opportunity for shared experience - illness, changing (jobs, homes, or viewpoints/values), disability, unique childhoods, trauma, etc... increases the risk of loneliness. And probably why, for me at least, getting involved in some way is a short cut to establishing connection - if you are working together for some purpose it naturally creates shared experiences.
What does loneliness feel like? For me it feels like empty, like a void, a quiet that could swallow you. Unlike sadness or frustration which feel like they have a center and focus to them - loneliness is a vast lostness. When you are lonely there is nothing to anchor you to the world; you don't matter - it is very existential.
So I wrote all that and then re-read other's comments and thought some more and while I still think what I wrote is true there is also something else. I think most feel like I belong when I am needed, when people ask me for help with something. And I am most lonely when I need help and can't think of anyone who would understand my problem and be able to help me. I don't know if that is universal or related to some personality type but it is a big part of belonging and loneliness for me.
Well of course my Annf is going to have brilliant thoughts. So much here. Will share/think on bits in upcoming posts! xoxo
I really love this. I felt a particular rhythm in reading this...maybe it was the highs and lows described in your loneliness. I wanted to start by saying “very nice writing”. I’m pretty sure I have never felt loneliness and probably never will. I used to think I was an extrovert but I love being alone. I could spend hours and days just reading, cleaning, walking, doing my own thing. When I am with people I love that too. I can easily strike up conversations anywhere - DMV, an elevator, on I95 during a traffic shut down for a medic flight evacuation (misery loves company). At work, I either have to telework or close my door if I want to get any serious work done. My boss once sarcastically accused me of keeping a water cooler in my office because I am one of those people who everyone visits within their day.
Ironically I always have the feeling of not fitting it. I’m a civilian in law enforcement, I’m a minority, I’m female, I’m liberal, now I’m older than most of my co-workers. I could also say the same for my community. Not fitting in could make you lonely but it also requires you to try to make a place for yourself. If I lost my spouse, maybe I’d feel different? Maybe I take that for granted?
I don’t believe MAGA is lonely. They have plenty of company. They seem to always find each other at the rallies and social media. They have whole swaths of red counties, towns and red states. I’m always amazed how many outs and excuses we give White people who have no problem with kids in cages, banning certain people, pregnant women dying for treatable conditions, ransacking the Capitol, and denying other people’s history because it doesn’t make them feel great. If any other group in the Country was complicit in these actions - no one would ever consider or even give a crap if they had friends. Generations of minorities lived without having communities or with their communities under attack. Millions of minorities live in communities they are not welcomed in. MAGA has been telling everyone what they want - they want to come first, they want to be on top, they want unearned respect, they want to be able to say all the things to all the people they don’t like and most importantly they don’t want any consequences for their actions. I don’t know why our society just won’t accept who they are and what they want.
"Not fitting in could make you lonely but it also requires you to try to make a place for yourself."--This is so true! sounds like you are also blessed with some natural skills with people. On MAGA, I agree, and in fact, they have created a community--granted, a toxic, dangerous one, but I do think the community aspect of it is part of the draw. Probably why it's now hard to break it up, too. It's a community built on mutual fear and entitlement.
I grew up on the other of Africa (waves) and also have a boarding school experience with similar loneliness threads woven into it. I find that now, at age (nearly 50 cough) I feel most "like myself" with other "former-expats," or "third culture kids" but, notably! NOT those who are still today in the (very aggressively hardcore fundamentalisty evangelical) faith that my boarding school was. (I attended the school as a dirty Lutheranaretheyevensaved?) I keep in touch with some of the kids I grew up with in Africa - but they were not at that boarding school with me.
The closest friends I have as an adult are two women who have both also spent significant time overseas, one a former military brat, and one who's husband worked in Czechia & Taiwan for many years.
I think the takeaway there is that a common background is often a strong underpinning for a feeling of close community. That's different from what David French called a "faction friendship" - a friendship which is based on common cause, likes, dislikes, or enemies.
The other place I feel most myself is (weirdly) a close knit online community of car enthusiasts. We are all VERY different politically - so much so that the group has rules about talking about politics - but this weirdo bunch of 30-40 people are FRIENDS FOR REALS. I mean, a couple of the guys even road-tripped a few states away to attend a funeral when one of our people died of cancer.
In THAT case, the "hanging out together online" has become the shared experience. And importantly - there's no cause or faction involved (unless you count the several grand the group raised to donate to our deceased friend's favorite cat sanctuary.)
I think that one reason there is a lot of loneliness is that a lot of groups (and any "friendship" that still exists) focuses on a cause or faction, not on shared experiences. Once the faction disappears, so does the relationship. Or once you yourself change your views about said cause or faction (like, for example, deciding against the mommy group you're in to vote against Trump but I digress...) you're out. The relationship is dead.
The way French laid this out made so much sense to me and it's really stuck with me.
https://thedispatch.com/newsletter/frenchpress/lost-friendships-break-hearts-and/
I think generally, across the board, too many people focus on categories vs actual human experience in which we all share. So for me--I spent many years only thinking of myself as an MK that could not be understood by anyone apart from that category. And that's all I really knew about myself, too. Sounds like your car friends have gone deeper than category or even the mutual interest. We all have so much in common, all of us. Except for the sociopaths, of course.
I (and my family) are starting to find community in a UU congregation we started attending in August (after 2 years of no church following a much-needed exit of all our previous communities). I think that’s due mostly to joining their D&D group, honestly. (That was one of the draws.) We meet pretty much every Friday with the same people and share food and kill monsters. It’s opened doors to more conversations and feeling more interested in joining things they have going on. For our introverted family, this is a big deal.
D&D--I've never played but love this!
I am fortunate that I don't struggle with loneliness despite being single and living alone. I thank my parents, whose neglectful 1970's parenting technique prepared me for the life I am now living.
Growing up in 70's suburbia, my mom had friends. They were our neighbors, the parents of MY school friends, and the ladies in her Sunday School class. I remember my parents actually going to something called "dinner parties," where adults only would eat and socialize. Children were left at home with "baby sitters." In high school, I earned a nice income watching TV at a neighbor's house while the adults went out and the children slept.
Nobody I know lives like this anymore.
5 years ago, I sold the house I grew up in and moved to another town about 30 minutes away. I've met a handful of my new neighbors. They seem nice. I have the name and phone number of exactly one person. She was kind enough to take my trashcans to the curb for me after I became disabled and picked up groceries for me during the pandemic. But nobody even notices when I was hospitalized for 3 months. In my old neighborhood, I had 3 separate neighbors call me at work when I hired a maid and they noticed a strange car parked in my driveway. Now, a moving truck could pull up to my door and clean out the house and nobody would even notice.
I struggled for a year to find a new church. I like my new pastor (he actually visited me in the hospital.) I enjoy the choir. But every time I talk to people I become alarmed. A lot of vaccine deniers in our congregation. I don't dare join a Sunday School class. I walked out of a ladies dinner after the conversation turned to transgenderism. I live in terror they will find out I voted for Biden.
In my 20's, I had coworker friends and we would go out for drinks after work occasionally. Nobody does this anymore. You don't want to be "friends" with your coworkers. Just try to get along 8 hours a day. Things get too complicated when you socialize outside of work, and it's too painful to get attached to them and have them leave.
Everyone I know is completely engulfed with their family. Every weekend, every holiday, every spare moment you may claw out from your busy life involves children, spouse, in-laws, parents and possibly siblings (if you're lucky.) There are no "girls' nights" or guy's weekends. At least not among my set. I don't know any men who get to play golf on weekends like my father did 50 years ago.
I never had children. I no longer have parents. Or a husband. I spent Thanksgiving AND Christmas eating takeout at home alone, because all of my friends spend the holidays with their FAMILIES. Everyone knows I'm alone. And yet not one single person even bothered to ask "So, what are you doing for the holidays?"
My only suggestion is that we need a "friends" app like we have dating apps. "Single woman in 50's. Loves cats. Looking for friends for dinners out, concerts, movies and occassional travel. Non smokers only." Anyone want to hang tonight? Join me on a trip to Paris so I don't have to pay for single occupancy? See the next MCU movie when it hits theaters?
We totally should have friends apps! Why don’t we??? Someone needs to do that.
One thing you brought up that just annoys me to no end is wall between people with kids and people without. There is absolutely no need for this and it cheats everyone. I’ve never played this game, we have a lot of childless friends.
Thanks for sharing.
I have found a wonderful support group on Facebook. Everyone met from following a popular WSJ column, then a group of Trump haters branched off on their own. Over the years, they invited their ACTUAL friends to join. It's been awesome! We have a place to share our political opinions without alienating our friends and family. Maybe you could start a Facebook group like that? I heard Sarah Isgur over at The Dispatch talking about their comments section turning into a dating app! You could help bring your own fans together for friendship, dating, or just a place to vent.
Meetup is exactly that - and it has really been a huge support for me as a single person. People organize groups focused on interests - I participate in a women over 50 hiking group, a group that reads scientific and cultural analysis articles and meets to discuss them, a group that meets to sing harmony without any concertizing goal, and a number of others that I drop in on. This is all in Portland, OR, where people are exceptionally friendly, but I think it works anywhere. Primarily because the stated purpose of the groups is to MEET OTHER PEOPLE. I've never been to a meetup where people weren't genuinely open, curious and warm about connecting. Even if no deep friendships are formed (though in my experience, a number have been) the pleasure of having open and warm conversations with people who are looking to connect with others offers a magical way to integrate social connection into my world.
I am as lonely as I have ever been. When my mother died last year, I lost the last person who really knows me. A lay off last year exposed the insufficiency of work friendships, however warm and sincerely maintained. And as a gay man who will turn 60 next year, my generational cohort is tiny (thanks, AIDS!). Add to that the well-documented difficulty of establishing adult friendships, and the loss of youth that once made me interesting and/or fuckable, and you end up with me, an intractably lonely man. At this point I'm trying to make peace with that, somehow, and keep socializing in the hope of connection, however difficult and pointless it sometime seems. But unless things change, no one will even notice I'm gone at the end of my (LONG, NON-SUICIDAL) life, except maybe the corpse dog who discovers me. (I reiterate: I am NOT suicidal)
Thank you for your vulnerability. I find naming my feelings out loud in itself is comforting and I hope that’s the case for you. Please keep sharing with us here. What are you passionate about? What are you good at? What brings you joy?
Former Evangelicals who haven't given up on church and who join mainline Protestant churches---please please please help us build a culture of Bible study and small groups. Holly--if your church doesn't do those things, can you start a Bible Study group?
I'm an Episcopalian and our priest is working very hard to do both things. You can take the boy out of the south, but....anyway.....it is working. It's slow, and there is a LOT of resistance because he's trying to graft the best of one Christian culture onto what you describe and my former priest described as "an hour on Sunday." We do see lots of Evangelical refugees in our churches but they are either so damaged and burned out that all they want is to be left alone, or enthusiastic about leaving all the Evangelical things behind and aren't talking about the Bible or about small groups.
I think I am lucky in that I feel lkke I belong in a lot of spaces, but I also worked my ass off to make that true, because it wasn't that way always
That's great, and you're right, it takes work. What are some of the things you have done?
I join organizations and offer to be...the recording secretary or some other equally unglamorous position. And then I meet people!
Hi Holly! Just discovered your substack and love the discussion you are starting. As a fellow adult MK with a boarding school background (and complex current relationship with faith) as well as being a practicing mental health counselor, belonging has been on my mind for a long time. I am currently reading Surgeon General Vivek Murthy’s book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. It’s fantastic and addresses a lot of the issues you raised in this post. As for your question, I’ve spent years working to cultivate belonging in my relationships with varied success. At this point, both a lot of risk and labor (it’s so hard to yourself out there!) plus finding some truly amazing people has finally given me a sense of belonging in the world. I have a handful of neighbors I adore. We are all from completely different backgrounds, but I think we all share the sense of desire to be connected and care for each other for our own and our children’s sakes. For the sake of brevity, I won’t go on here, but looking forward to following more of the discussion. :-)
Oops i deleted a reply that was meant for another post 🤦♀️
Something I've been thinking about too. Realized last year that I've never actually been part of anything. Neither Christianity nor the military made me want to stick around, never held a job long enough to make work friends, and no idea where else to find people. Let alone how I'm supposed to go from "comes to meetings" to "one of us." I've got ideas, but I wonder how applicable they may be...after all, I've had no luck, so what do I know?
Thank you so much for all your thoughtful engagement on my posts! I would love to hear more from you on this—what are your ideas?
I have some, but they're entirely from an outsider's perspective coming in. Which might be useful. Here are things which various failed groups (I was a member of) didn't do.
1. Make people welcome. When new faces (especially solo ones) come in, someone meets them, makes conversation, eases them into the larger circles so they don't just stand around. Introduce people, get them through the first awkwardness. (Traditionally the host/ess duty, which is probably why it's fallen out of practice.)
2. Get people involved. There's work involved in making a community that's more than just "random friends." Putting things into writing makes the group more real...and puts the work into perspective. And not just regular embers; if there are new enthusiastic members, get them involved. Giving people an actual part of the thing they can contribute to works - on kids and adults.
3. Establish acceptable behaviors. This can be in writing or in person, but everyone should have at least some idea of what is acceptable. Not just anti-social and inappropriate behavior, but things like "are R-rated jokes fine" and "how political do we allow conversations?" If someone transgresses an invisible line, let them know. (In these days where consensus reality is breaking down, even navigating some matter of manners like pronouns can go awry if people aren't coming from the same background.)
Of course, all of these take effort, emotional labor, time, and possibly money on the part of the organizers. Plus the usual difficulties when not-quite-reliable people come together.
Thank you for your message, Audrey.
I'm also thinking a lot about belonging in 2024. For me, that boarding school we both attended (or maybe just my childhood in general) taught me that belonging wasn't really something I needed. That I was independent and self-sufficient and could take care of myself, thank you very much. And while I have a lot of compassion for the ways that this idea protected me from pain, it's only in the last couple years that I've realized that...wait a sec...maybe I do want this thing called belonging after all? Maybe pretending I didn't need it was a way of not noticing that I didn't have it? When you ask what belonging feels like, I'm not really sure that I know. Frankly, I think I'm only just learning to spot the loneliness in me. I'm not totally sure how to move from loneliness to belonging, but I think a good first step is learning how to actually feel it in the first place. ❤️
well hi there Patty-Leigh! I'm cheering you on in this journey. I know you'll get there. xoxox