Faith and Fear

Sometimes you fear because you love

My heart is absolutely bursting full after spending a few days in Northern California meeting a remarkable community of “elder” (my age and up) exvangelicals that I have been getting to know online for several months now. Thanks so much to them for hosting me, a total stranger, in their homes and sharing their rich thoughts and huge hearts with me. Man, do these folks understand community.

They so kindly invited me to speak at their church after the service—the preacher in the service was a therapist who spoke on mental health, so I went with that theme. This is a part of a version of what I shared.

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Photo by Jas Min on Unsplash

When I was told the topic today was mental health, I was thrilled because I am in fact an expert on mental health. As a patient.

I used to think my struggles were a flaw—a moral and spiritual flaw even—but now I see them as a gift.

Growing up in evangelicalism, which hasn’t always been hospitable to the idea of mental health or even just inconvenient emotions, I didn’t know myself as a person with MANY feelings (and thoughts, but that’s a whole other thing). Good and bad. I am enthusiastic and passionate and compassionate and sensitive and depressive and anxious and afraid and angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and all the things. I always felt there were a lot of feelings that weren’t safe to have, much less express.

And on the mission field, it seems, that’s even more true. The missionary kids of all ages whom I interviewed and heard from for my book brought this up over and over and over. So many described internalizing the message that their parents were “super” Christians, their callings were more important than anything, and that as their kids, the best thing they could do was to be “low maintenance,” pursue their own strong faith, and not rock any boats. Those of us who also grew up in a boarding school setting also know that having many feelings and freely expressing those comes with a heavy social price.

Long, long story short, though, I was able to play things fairly cool in life—or at least remain functional in human society— until I had my children. There was something about becoming a parent that resurfaced a lot of “stuff.” And it just added a lot to my plate. I began to feel increasingly overwhelmed.

I eventually sought care for what I assumed was postpartum depression. Timing-wise that made sense, but more than that, I viewed PPD as a "respectable" mental illness.  No one thinks a lady with PPD is really that crazy. Hey, girl just had a baby, she's not allowed to sleep, and she has no clothes to wear.  

But then I saw a form with my actual diagnosis on it.  It said "Generalized Anxiety Disorder."  What? No PPD?  Not even a mention of the horribly dismembering journey that is childbirth? And a DISORDER??  A Generalized Anxiety Disorder diagnosis is not messing around.  You are straight-up crazy and without any excuse for yourself.

Now, most people with GAD worry about actual problems that are scary.  Yes, they worry too much about them, but let's be honest, death is not a fun thing, and it will happen, and that's a concern.  My fellow mom friends with GAD mainly worry something bad is going to happen to their children. You know, like a normal worry a loving mom would have.  It’s not only understandable, it’s admirable, a clear demonstration of a mother’s fierce devotion to her children. Yes, they get a bit dysfunctional about it, but everyone understands the impulse.

So, that's not me.  Sure, I might have a passing worry about my kids being OK. But then I move on to the REALLY scary things in life and have panic attacks over those things, including:

• Grocery stores with more than two kinds of each product 

• People asking me math questions while I am cooking dinner

• People crying while I am cooking dinner

• People informing me they are hungry while I am cooking dinner

• OK, let’s just get to the heart of the issue. I HATE COOKING AND IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER IF EVERYONE BEHAVES.  

• Having to decide what to cook for dinner WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH FOOD IN AMERICA

• Legos that are not properly contained in a designated bin BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THEY WILL RISE UP AND FORM AN ARMY I SAW THE LEGO MOVIE

• My husband identifying something that is broken or amiss or lost AND THEN HAVING NO PLAN FOR FIXING IT NOW

• People asking me where something in my house is located AS IF I SHOULD KNOW

• Noticing that something over there is really, really dirty and needs cleaning while I am cleaning something over here AND THEN WHAT DO I CLEAN

• Things we no longer use or need continuing to reside in our home BECAUSE THEY MUST LEAVE IMMEDIATELY

• Packing for a trip and getting to the airport in time BECAUSE THEY WILL EXECUTE US

• People demanding that I hurry to complete a task while I am trying to do it. Just fire missiles over my head while I'm doing brain surgery next time.

• America  (And no, not whether our democracy and national security are in danger.  Just America.  It has too much stuff and details and logistics)

• Logistics, Details, Stuff

• Donald Trump is THE PRESIDENT.  OF THE UNITED STATES.  LIKE THE ACTUAL COUNTRY NOT THE ONE IN INDEPENDENCE DAY.  TRUMP.  

I in fact can't be bothered to worry about death, disease, and destruction because I am too busy worrying about dinner, WHICH IS HAPPENING TONIGHT.  Besides, I don't control death, but people are expecting me to control dinner. And I can't handle that.  

In evangelicalism, anxiety of any and all kinds, and it seems like literally everything else, is spiritualized. It’s too often portrayed as sinful, as a lack of faith.

As the Bible says:

Phil. 4:6-7--Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I Peter 5:7--Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Matthew 6:25--Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?

Here's a great one for our moment:

Mark 13:11 Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.

Gotta say, though, not worrying ahead of time about what I'm going to say and speaking "whatever is given [me] at the time" has gotten me into a lot of trouble before. An arrest may indeed be in my future.

Now, there are different manifestations of anxiety, which is essentially fear, and some of them don't come from a great place and can indeed be very harmful to ourselves and others. Fear can ruin our lives, our relationships, and even our societies.

Fear and anxiety turned inward can be debilitating to the point where those afflicted can't even leave their homes.Fear turned outward leads to needless mistrust that precludes healthy relationships, and even bigotry and hate that precludes healthy community. Or healthy society and good government. We're seeing that element of human psychology on display in a big way now, as it is has been exploited by unscrupulous personalities.

But I'd like to put a positive spin on some kinds of fear and anxiety, beyond the kind that tells you to run from physical danger. I’d like us to consider that sometimes anxiety is a sign of strong faith, as it grows from a fierce love of our neighbors, that greatest of commandments and callings. Sometimes fear is a working out of faith, not a failure of it.

My anxiety surrounding multi-tasking can be seen as a manifestation of my care. I want to do a good job in taking care of my family, and I am concerned I won't be able to do that. That I will disappoint or fail them. Yes, I am irrationally concerned, but my love and care is at the bottom of things.

My friends who worry about something happening to their children are likewise overwhelmed with love for their children and the feeling of responsibility for them.

A lot of what we are fearful of right now is driven by concern for our neighbors and our society as a whole and a feeling of responsibility for upholding our values.

We worry because we love, and because we care. That's a good thing. And it isn't rooted in self-preservation. It’s rooted in connection and empathy and the things that take us beyond self-preservation.

And let’s be honest, we all know that praying and casting our cares on God and sitting back and trusting things will work out OK does not actually feed or clothe people. It does not actually beat back evil. It does not mean that our fears aren't valid.

Because ultimately, WE are the answer to those prayers, for each other. Our ability to care for each other is the way God's presence is manifested. Our work for justice is how evil is beaten back.

WE are the hands and feet of Jesus.

And that actually puts the pressure ON instead of taking it off.

Sometimes fear and anxiety compel us to take needed action, to preserve and defend not just ourselves, but others.

When we are instructed to "fear not," I don't think we are meant to hear that our fear is forbidden or wrong. Fear is hard-wired into our humanity, after all.

I think we are meant to accept that we aren’t in control, that our roles and responsibilities aren't unlimited. We aren’t expected to be all-powerful. Even in my own house, thanks to the other three people and the dog who seem to have a different vision for its cleanliness.

I've been encouraged recently by the words of our friend,

Diana Butler Bass

. She's been exhorting her followers to find their lane within "The Jesus Lane." As in, keep your focus on love, know what you particularly can do and offer, and just do that. Just do that. She’s shared the ways she is managing to survive this whirlwind, which she calls her “Ten Ws.”

You can't do everything and be everything and hold the universe together. But then, you were not made for that. You were made to be you and to do you and to walk the path on which your feet have been planted. In and for the time and place that you find yourself.

And these are momentous times. Really and truly.

And then you were made to rest. To sleep. Yes, I hear this is a thing people are still doing. I hear it's very refreshing.

And, you were made to seek help and support, too. You were not made to be alone. We were all made for connection. Fortunately, some of us were made to provide professional help and support. Some of us were made to discover or prescribe medication that can transform lives. There's no shame in taking blood pressure medication if you need it, and there's no shame in taking anti-anxiety medication if you need it. Neither is a spiritual failing.

You do not need to be a hero. But you do need to care. That can be a fine line to walk. It’s going to take careful, daily calibration to walk it.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One lane at a time.

Fear not. Take courage. You know what, it may not all turn out OK, at least not in your lifetime. But I do believe that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” I also believe that “It will all be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”

You may not see the happy ending. But it doesn't rest solely on you. Do your part. And accept that your part is limited for a reason.

That's what I'm trying to do. And Zoloft. Good stuff.

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Lastly, I want to share some wisdom from our friend

Benjamin Wittes

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