Elon's Farewell Address
And other Friday "Fun," 30 May 2025
This is satire.
Frenemies, MAGA Citizens, Baby Factories, and Racial Degenerates:
My time in government has come to an end, due to legal regulations overseeing Special Government Employees and more importantly, my declining net worth and abject boredom. Also, Stephen Miller is angry at me for maybe stealing his wife, and that is one scary dude. As I say in all of my prayers, Thank God I’m white.
I arrived here out of love of country, to the extent that I understand what love is, and in the firm belief that only billionaire sociopaths have the requisite lack of human conscience to properly run it into the ground. Because how are we supposed to motivate anyone to go to Mars if things remain tenable here on Earth. And I really, really want us to go to Mars so humanity1 can start over with me in charge, and as the father of 75% of the planet, the way God intended it in Genesis.
My mission was clear: Play chess with the lives of (Black) African children, offer a brighter future to cancer, conduct psychological experiments on civil servants, popularize black jeans as business wear, learn to pretend-use a chain saw, create a jobs program for frat boys, acquire data on every single American so I can determine what percentage of society can be exterminated and replaced by AI, find new wombs for my master race, and of course, save the American taxpayer quintillions of dollars so they can spend that money on $TRUMP.
I have accomplished all those goals, except for the saving American taxpayer money. It turns out, that is really, really hard unless you don’t care about poor people and the elderly. Or planes landing safely. Or clean food and water. Blah blah blah To be clear, I think all the poor people should be euthanized, but I’m told that is not a winning political issue. Also I have my own plane and food and water tasters.
Also, I just have to say that governmenting is very, very boring. It’s amazing anyone wants to do it, and for hardly any money, which is still too much money. That’s how you know that all government employees are only there to turn everyone into trans people.
But it’s fine, because efficiency wasn’t really a main goal anyway, I just put it in the name for the cool acronym (the strategists rejected Department Of Greed and Evil for some reason). Also, many American taxpayers are willing to buy $TRUMP without having any money at all.
I have achieved a level of destruction unseen in American history. And I did it all without Lawfare’s Anna Bower ever figuring out Who Is The Administrator of DOGE. (Surprise, it was me the entire time!!!! Or was it. I actually don’t know. Anna, tell me when you find out. Also, you look like you have a very hospitable uterus. We could name our child WITAOD. Think about it.)
And now, having achieved so much, I return to private life to terrorize the boardrooms of my companies, crash more rockets, design vehicles that look like World War I tanks, rent more uteruses, and make social media safer for Nazis.
You’re welcome, America.
It was a weird week. I woke up on Saturday, the day I was supposed to fly to Texas, with cold symptoms. As my friend’s immune system is very fragile, we decided I should not come. It turns out I think I have just been breathing in too much pollen. So I’m sad about it, but better safe than sorry where her health is concerned.
With all the extra time I had, I did….not a whole lot….Besides working on my art projects, #OneThing has been mostly a bust.
But my in-laws—two of probably around 37 non-MAGAs in the state of Arkansas— are visiting this weekend, and my 80-year-old mother-in-law asked me to take her to a protest (LOVE THAT), so we’ll see if I can scare something up for her.
Speaking of art, you can now buy postcard packs of some of my art. The profit margin is already pretty much zero on these, so the money will not be donated, but hopefully they will promote democracy by being sent out to representatives, voters, people doing good, and people who need to do better.
The next Zebra Dazzle will be this Tuesday at 8 pm EDT. Paid subscribers will get the link sometime before then. This is just a fun time to hang out and get to know others in this community. And NEW, I’ll be doing a brief reading from my upcoming book!
If you would like to join but don’t want to be a paid subscriber—for any reason, which you do not have to tell me, really—send me an email at holly_berkley@yahoo.com and I will comp you.
Of course, if you want to support my work and are able to do that, please become a paid subscriber! Or, if you haven’t already, pre-order my book. Or buy a copy for everyone you know.
That’s about it. Haven’t done much reading. Haven’t done much of anything (I did co-host Dog Shirt TV a few times). Wasted a lot of time this week. As we say in Swahili:
Hivyo ndivyo ilivyo
(HEEV-yo in-DEEV-yo ee-LEEV-yo)
(That’s the way it is)
Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.
Wealthy white men (plus a few Indians) and hot women of childbearing age.
You're a hoot! I'm sorry you didn't get to take your trip, but soon though okay? I think that's important. I do know from my peeps in the mid Atlantic states that the pollen this year has been of epic proportions and it seems only getting worse. For this I am sorry. Allergies suck. We've has a brutal year down here as well and it started in the fall and has just continued. Palm pollen is the worst right now. I digress. The artwork is amazing and I will be purchasing again.
Elon, we hardly knew ye. But don't get me wrong, what we knew was awful, and if we never hear another thing about you until we receive a letter from Mars, that will be okay by us.