We need to talk about pants

Because real life is just too much right now

The Belonging Project will be back next week. My brain is too fried to write anything meaningful this week as I sprint to the finish line of my book draft!

The estimable (as he calls everyone) Ben Wittes wrote a post recently in which he detailed all the things he doesn’t give a sh*t about, which is most of the the things. He says he only has the brain space for defending democracy here and in Ukraine and following the war in Gaza, and that’s it. Which is fine, those are very important, very serious issues about which I, too, care deeply. With regard to American democracy, I probably care more than is good for my mental health.

I certainly understand the sentiment. The stakes out there are sky-high and do merit laser focus. But sometimes investing mental energy in trivial things is a welcome escape and a needed balance. Which is why my entire algorithm is now filled with anything Kelce brother-related. Unlike Ben, I DO care who Taylor Swift is dating, especially if he is a member of one of the most endearing football families ever.

This is the best Kelce, Jason, on Sunday, cheering on his brother/Taylor’s bf, in her presence, after he drank potions out of a bowling ball with Bills tailgaters. I mean, COME ON, this is way more fun than the New Hampshire primary.

The rest of my entire algorithm is filled with stories about my fake adopted son, Tampa Bay Bucs QB, Baker Mayfield, whom I imaginary-raised from football infancy during his time at my alma mater, Oklahoma.

OK, disturbing. I need help.

But the Kelce-Swift romance is just pure fluff, and this season at least, Baker was a pure joy to fake-parent (he’s brought me much heartache in the past). As it turns out, however, there are also more vexing, concerning, serious unserious issues out there that do not at all require my attention and yet I’m going to freely give it anyway.

PANTS.

Specifically women’s pants, but don’t worry men, the sadistic fashion gods will come for you, too, they just move more gradually, like climate change. And like climate change, they will leave you with your pants down and your butt sunburnt.

What the hell is going on with women’s pants. I’m not going to propose a complete ban on women’s pants until we figure out the answer, but I might suggest not buying any more. After several years of transitional pants chaos (skinny! wide leg! high-rise! low! whatever!), a new-old consensus seems to be emerging, that we all need to wear pants that the very same fashion experts assured us not even a decade ago were tremendously unflattering on everyone except human babies and tortured pets.

SO last season

Let’s hit the rewind button to circa 2012, an earlier, innocent time when we thought Mitt Romney was a completely unacceptable option for president because he was wealthy in a classy way and hadn’t ever raped anyone (what a Beta!). I had two young kids at the time and watched hours, no, DAYS of the makeover show, What Not to Wear. Basically, I was trying (desperately) to reeducate myself on how to wear clothes now that I no longer recognized my own body, and also I had momentarily forgotten how to read. So I watched Clinton and Stacy change the lives of woman after woman, body type after body type by putting them in flattering pants (and other things). Which they totally did.

They almost always put them in a mid-rise pant (and if you are a real fashionista, or a maybe a dog, it is PANT, singular, don’t ask me why), a straight-ish leg/not too wide, not too skinny. And guess what, it was like a miracle. Every single lady really did look better.

If you don’t believe me, here’s their tutorial on jeans from 2010. And to give all props to Clinton and Stacy, they never did chase trends, they did focus on fit. Clinton even responded to a desperate DM asking his advice in the midst of pant-trend-uncertainty by telling me to “buy whatever style looks best on you,” very sound advice that is the fashion equivalent of “vote for guy who isn’t trying to overthrow the government.”

They, and a million other experts, advised us to never, ever, EVER wear pleats (that went for you, too, men) or fall for the lies of a populist political con-man. We were told they were unflattering and dangerous. Same with high-waisted pants, which the gurus told us only emphasized our postpartum or menopausal tummies/democratic vulnerabilities. SNL even had a 2014 skit making fun of how awful such pants were. The term “mom jeans” was born, and you never wanted to be caught dead in them.

In my own life, I can personally attest to the harm caused by these unflattering fashions (and I’m only half joking). You see, I’m old enough to remember the late 1980s/1990s, when fashion experts told us to wear pleated, tapered, high-waisted pants and Republicans voted to impeach Presidents who broke the law and abused women. I didn’t know any better, so that is what I did. And I thought I looked horrible, and I did (I was right about the President, however, and yes, I will fight you). But I wasn’t wise enough to realize people had dressed me in ugly clothes. I thought I was the problem.

I REMEMBER, fashion people, and I’ve never forgiven you. My mind is like a steel trap. Incidentally, and totally off-topic, I ALSO remember when Lindsay Graham called Trump a “kook,” “crazy,” “unfit for office,” told him to “go to hell” and said if the GOP nominated him it would “get destroyed…and we will deserve it.” I ALSO remember when, after January 6, ol’ Lindsay said he was “done” with Trump. I EVEN REMEMBER, because I am like an elephant with this memory thing, all the many, many horrified Republicans who called J6 an insurrection and said Trump was responsible. I even remember watching the whole thing on TV like it was yesterday even though it was actually THREE WHOLE LONG YEARS AGO.

Now all those people are walking around kissing Trump’s ass and, worse, wearing pleated pants.

And these are some of the pants the fashion version of those Republicans are trying to sell us:

They aren’t even being subtle! Just say they’re mom jeans/you’re going to ignore the Constitution straight up! It’ll still be a bestseller!

And here’s what the majority of dress pants for sale look like:

She looks lovely. She would look better in something else.

Now, some of you may be getting a little huffy right now because you like these pants and you are wearing some right now. And that’s fine, maybe you look great in them (maybe you also 6 feet tall and weigh like 90 lbs). Many others of you are rolling your eyes that I am expending any energy on what fashionistas want me to wear and think I should wear whatever I want.

But you’re all missing the point. The point is WE ARE BEING LIED TO by people who want to get money and power off of our manipulation. And I don’t appreciate it, not one bit. This is why older people typically stop being “fashionable.” It’s not that we live in a hole or that whole decades go by in a blink and all of a sudden we haven’t been shopping in 28 years.

It’s that we REMEMBER. Well, fashion trends anyway. Many of us older folk apparently can’t remember when fascists tried to destroy the whole earth. But we are on to these fashion hucksters. Their jig is up. Go take money from a 15 year old who argues, unconvincingly, they are not cold wearing a crop top in February and thinks that converse sneakers were invented in 2022 (those things, by the way, are universal and timeless, forever, and they deserve to be, just like the Constitution. Could do with a little cushion insole/amendments but otherwise, they are perfect).

These con-artists need to be exposed. I need Mehdi Hassan, or even better, a resurrected Tim Russert—I REMEMBER HIM, TOO with my fancy old brain— to sit down with a bunch of fashion experts and nail their asses to the wall.

(Tim was a genius ass-to-wall nailer)

Tim/Mehdi: So you’re telling me that everyone should be wearing pleated pants this season and also vote for Donald Trump, who typically wears pleated pants.

Fashionista: Yes! Absolutely, pleats are so hot right now, and Donald, and everyone else, looks so sophisticated in them. Pleated pants say, I deserve that promotion and also to be President again even though I am an incompetent criminal who belongs in the legal version of a makeover show.

T/M: Hmm, that’s interesting because in 2015, you said, and I quote, “Never EVER wear pleated pants unless you want to look like a hot air balloon. Nobody looks even remotely attractive in pleats, and they in fact will destroy both your brain and your soul, and I think we can safely say that they will never ever be back after the harm they have caused. And Donald Trump is a racist-rapist-authoritarian who wears pleated pants Putin made for him.”

F: No, I absolutely never said that. You’re making it up.

T/M: Roll the tape.

F: OK, so what I meant there is that looking like a hot air balloon is actually a good thing, it gives you an aura of ascendant energy. And also Joe Biden is old, like, so so so old, he was around before pleated pants were invented.

T/M: So you’re basically gaslighting us. You think we are all stupid and blind.

F: Am I wrong though?

T/M: You are not.

In conclusion, friends, whatever you wear and whomever you vote for, DON’T BE A FOOL. Do it with eyes wide open and look at the historical record.

As for me, I’m just gonna wear overalls and elastic and vote straight ticket pro-democracy from now on BECAUSE I AM THAT SMART.

And now, I think you have seen how therapeutic it is to leave the great issues of our day aside for a moment and get worked up about things that do not matter in the least. I’m sure I’ll sleep better tonight.