We are Trump voters and we are SHOCKED (satire)

Trump voters react to what they have wrought

I can tell you exactly why I voted for Donald Trump. Because of the culture-threatening excesses of the Left. For example, two entire federal prisoners have received gender reassignment surgeries since 1976. That is unacceptable.

Inflation is simply out of control. My third boat cost 17% more than my first two. I went to Europe last summer, and everything there was exorbitant. In Euros that is, thankfully the exchange rate was very favorable to the dollar. Also, I have studied history, and let me tell you, fascism really brings inflation down.

Biden using an Executive Order to cancel student loans was unbridled autocracy. Now student loans roam around the country in armed mobs demanding forgiveness. And how on earth is abortion still legal in Massachusetts? It’s like Dobbs and the 10th Amendment to the Constitution never happened.

Also the Black Lady’s laugh is grating. The nerve of her to laugh at a time like this, when things are only mostly OK and Christians are barred from imposing their religion on everyone else. America is in crisis. We must save our democracy.

And that is why I voted for an attempted coup leader. Now, I agree, he really shouldn’t have tried the coup. That wasn’t ideal. But it’s not like accepting the results of elections is foundational to our system. And, 5 entire dead people voted in Georgia. Well, maybe not entire dead people. There has probably been some decomposition at this point, I’m guessing. The body parts of 5 dead people tried to vote, and that is a crime.

But you know what, because I am a bipartisan, reasonable, educated person, and a Very Good Christian, I’ll go ahead and grant you that coups are bad. But I’m confident that our coup leader has been chastened by his dozens of criminal indictments. After all, he only threatened some of the judges. He was totally respectful to that nice lady judge in Florida who thinks the President needs his papers. Reasonable.

Also, I’m confident Trump’s fellow Republicans will keep him in check. Just like they did the time he did the coup and the other time he extorted Ukraine and the other time he caused an extra 200,000 people to die by advising folks to inject bleach into their bodies instead of wearing masks and the other time he lost a pile of immigrant children by ripping them out of their parents’ arms. He has learned so much since then. As everyone knows, the second Presidency after the first coup attempt changes people.

But oh what he accomplished! The economy! The disruption! The vaccine that he now disowns! The fun edits to the English language! The Christianity!

I do have to say, however, that I am feeling slightly concerned—at most a 3 on the Susan Collins scale—about some of these Cabinet picks. The Department of Defense may need someone with more experience than a weekend cable talk show host/racist tattoo aficionado/blonde wife collector brings to the table, however esteemed a resume that is.

And generally, I think vaccines have saved lives, and I am a smidge reluctant to see polio make a return. But I figure we will have better iron lungs this time. Medicine has advanced so much since the 1930s. I’m sure it will all work out.

Also, let’s be very clear, Vladimir Putin is an unrepentant thug. Giving him a major foothold in our government will help us keep a close eye on his activities. We will be able to see all of Russia’s intelligence because it will be ours. Giving him Ukraine will preserve peace in our time.

I will say Matt Gaetz has a rather large and concerning forehead and is very fond of underage girls and illegal drugs. Tulsi Gabbard and RFK, Jr. were only recently Democrats. None of this is ideal. But neither are any of them transgender Christian-haters.

Still, these are all red flags. But let’s not freak out. No one has been confirmed yet. Let the normal process—which Donald Trump completely respects, as seen by his eventual instructions to his insurrectionist mob to go home—work.

This is America, we are a very old and stable democracy with many checks and balances. We must protect them by supporting someone who routinely flouts them. This shows us where we need to do some light repairs so that when the transgender people try to round up all the Christians, our system will hold.

Now that we’ve won and, unlike us, our opponents have accepted the results, let us stop with all the divisiveness and come together as one America to support our new coup leader.

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I can tell you exactly why I voted for Donald Trump. I am angry that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have spent over a year trying to negotiate peace in the Middle East after a terrorist group backed by a militant Islamist regime started a multi-front war with Israel with the aim of wiping it off the face of the planet. The administration should have just nuked Israel, problem solved.

But really I dislike Biden’s pretense of caring about Palestinians. So I decided to vote for someone who openly hates Palestinians and will tell Israel to nuke all of them. It’s just a more honest position, and better yet, it will make Democrats very angry.

So I voted for him. But now I am confused because, guys, I think he might actually hate Palestinians and will tell Israel to nuke all of them. This is not what I intended.

What I intended is that I would vote for Trump in a swing state out of spite but that Kamala would win anyway and then I could remain completely and sanctimoniously pure in a morally complex world.

I really don’t understand why the world isn’t cooperating with my vision for it. K bye, I’m gonna go block traffic somewhere and call it heroism.

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I can’t tell you exactly why I voted for Donald Trump this time. But it goes something like this, transgender deep state operatives are price gouging aborted illegal immigrant eggs while spreading the heresy that Jesus was kind to whores/women. Everyone knows women are literally here to be sexually assaulted and also cook things, such as cheap, non-aborted, legal eggs.

Also Black Lady.

Anyway, I wasn’t thrilled with everything he did last time. Mainly the seven or so normal things he did, like telling his wife to lovingly decorate the White House for Christmas and owning a pet hotel. I generally think those things are irresponsible when our national debt is abracadabrillion dollars and Elon Musk still needs a sizable tax cut so he can invent larger penises rockets. Especially if the hotel-owning President isn’t allowed to hire illegal immigrants and there are tariffs on Christmas ornaments because Joe Biden.

Also, I really did want Mike Pence hanged. Maybe on a Christmas tree. I don’t hate Mike Pence per se, but I feel like someone needs to hang and why not him. I thought eventually hanging him was why Trump picked him in the first place. Wasted opportunity.

Some of the bad things were also kind of bad, I guess. I heard there was this disease that killed a million people, for instance, including my wife and brother. But everyone looked so unsexy in the liberal masks, and also the dead people were able to buy very cheap, non-aborted, legal eggs before they died of asphyxiation.

Also there was that coup-like thing, which I TOTALLY WAS NOT A PART OF I don’t care what my slut daughter says. I am not pro-violence unless I think people look like they can’t handle a gun. Then I will blow their f-ing brains out. Abraham Lincoln also did a coup. Or something. I know he didn’t stay on his side of the National Mall, that’s for sure.

So anyway, color me extremely surprised at Trump’s very irresponsible Cabinet picks. For example, Marco Rubio. What was Trump thinking, I think Little Marco might actually be very little, if you know what I mean. I wonder if he is even capable of sexually assaulting a woman. Given how small he is, maybe we could hang him on a Christmas tree.

Vivek is a brown Hindu. People who use that many spices in their cooking can’t be in charge of efficiency. Next.

Matt Gaetz is actually a lawyer. I don’t think the Justice Department should have any of those. On the other hand, he’s done so many sexual assaults. This one is a mixed bag for me.

Tulsi Gabbard is not actually Russian. A missed opportunity.

RFK Jr. apparently no longer has a brain worm. Suspect.

Peter Hegseth only has Crusader tattoos and has only excused war crimes, he wasn’t actually a Crusader or a war criminal, that we know of. I would need to see more on him.

Mainly I am disappointed that Trump hasn’t already deported Joe Biden from the White House using roving bands of tariffs. I’m really not sure what he’s waiting for.

Here’s hoping we get a public hanging soon. I have finished all 23 levels of Mortal Kombat XI and I’m bored.