Trump Hires Marie Kondo to "Tidy Up" the American Dream (satire)
and other Friday "Fun," 2 May 2025
President Donald Trump announced this week he has hired Japanese organizing and lifestyle guru Marie Kondo for what he said would be a revolutionary process of downsizing the American Dream.
“America has too much item,” Trump said. “And a lot of that item comes from Jina, they are making us buy it. It’s very unfairly. So I found a tiny Asian lady to tidy the Asia item.”
Trump detailed a list of “item” that he felt were cluttering up American lives, dampening creativity and distracting people from what really matters, quality time with family and friends. For example, he argued that having too many toys had crushed the imagination of American children.
“Girl child do not need 30 doll. They don’t even need one doll. They will be raising the younger babies I am paying their mothers to birth,” he said. “Boy child can play ICE with real gun.”
At one point, he had a carpenter—“he learned from Jesus,” Trump said—come to the podium to demonstrate how to whittle an iPhone from a bar of soap. Trump then pretended to call Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who sat on the front row. Bessent appeared to make a ringing sound before answering an unplugged antique rotary phone underneath his chair. “Hello to the Greatest President on the Earth,” Bessent said. “See, it works great,” Trump replied before hanging up his soap.
Next, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt modeled a homespun flax prairie dress and bonnet ensemble, although the dress was barely visible underneath the massive, roughhewn wooden cross she wore around her neck. Then Secretary of State Marco Rubio flagellated himself with a handmade leather whip.
At one point, Kaitlan Collins from CNN asked the President whether he would allow Kondo to pare down his own possessions, which include the world’s largest collection of gold-plated McDonalds wrappers and 2,619 oversized red ties. Trump ordered Collins be removed for execution in the Rose Garden, which will soon be converted to a Bitcoin casino.
When reached for comment, Marie Kondo, who was not present at the press conference, was unaware of her appointment to Trump’s administration. She explained that the goal of her KonMari system is not mass involuntary poverty, nor is it an appropriate economic strategy. “Global trade has given us all many items that spark joy,” she said, before delicately suggesting that Americans might want to KonMari their government.
After a slow week last week, this week was full of #OneThing activities, including a vigil and two protests (May Day + Law Day).
The vigil was led by Rev. William Barber and other interfaith clergy on the steps of the Supreme Court. Barber is a Black pastor from North Carolina and a longtime social justice activist. He and others spoke eloquently about the Republican budget up for consideration in Congress, which includes draconian cuts to social programs like Medicaid, Head Start, and SNAP. After speaking there, some of their number went into the Capitol Rotunda to pray (I went on home). And then they were arrested by Capitol Police. Now, I want to give the Capitol Police the benefit of the doubt here, it’s entirely possible these activities violate the established rules for allowed behaviors. But I do think it’s ironic that Christians were arrested for praying in the Capitol at a time when the Trump administration touts its anti-Christian bias task force. It’s been clear for quite some time that MAGA supporters are only concerned about protecting the rights of *some* Christians, and that they actually wish to privilege those groups, not simply protect the religious liberty of all. But then, white evangelicals have long policed the boundaries of Christianity. I grew up hearing that our kind were the only real Christians, and everyone else was going to hell.
Photos from the week:
On Dog Shirt TV, we hosted two of my friends,
to discuss heartland democracy and politics,and Dr. Kenya Wolff, a professor of early childhood education at Ole Miss. I hope that you will watch/listen especially to the latter, because her very important work is in peril from the Republican budget cuts. Among other things, she shared with us how important and successful Head Start has been for Mississippi, and the nation. It is in fact one of the state’s largest employers! I had no idea.
I also had a meet up with one of our Zebra community,
, who was in town to lobby for Medicaid and other social services for her organization, which connects special needs individuals to supportive technologies. I was really inspired to hear about her work, she’s another great American!
Inspired by both these conversations, and the vigil this week, I would urge everyone to contact your Congressional representatives and tell them to preserve Medicaid, Head Start, and other programs that support the most vulnerable people in our society.
Here’s a fact sheet on Head Start.
please chime in in the replies with any messaging you can pass on from your time here.Other exciting developments, I was on
‘s podcast! I recorded this a few months ago, while I had a terrible bronchial thing, and I nearly didn’t make it through the interview. So you’ll hear some hacking at the end, but never fear, I survived and am still very much with us.Also—and this is apparently a BFD!—my book got a starred review by Publisher’s Weekly! They review 10,000 books a year, and only about 500 get starred reviews, so I am pretty stoked. I will say the review, while positive, does give me a little heartburn, because it says the book describes the missionary kid experience as “bleak.” I actually did try to give a nuanced portrayal—my own experience was on the whole positive—but as a writer, you can’t ultimately control how things are perceived and received. I think when one is countering a dominant narrative, the tendency in the correction is to swing things too far the other way. Perhaps I did that, or perhaps that is what will be taken away. But I do maintain the correction was badly needed, and I’ll have to let the chips fall where they may.
Next thing—I will be a presenter at the Wild Goose festival in North Carolina in late August! Myself and
have a fun session planned. If you would like to join us, you can get a discount with my Ambassador code: A-XVANLast, last thing, I would like to recommend my friend
’s substack. He’s living the ex-pat life as a mainly stay-at-home dad and writes with wit and wisdom about his adventures. Here’s a sample.
Sorry to all the looooong newsletter today.
Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.
‘Jina’!! I legit heard that in his voice as I read it…😂
Congratulations on the book! “Bleak sells” may be a publishing industry truism.