Before I get to a small vignette, a few preliminary thoughts.
First of all, thank you to those who shared, either in the comments or privately. Especially to those who admitted they were lonely, thank you. There is such unnecessary shame attached to loneliness, and perhaps saying it out loud is the first step in alleviating it a bit. I know most of us don’t really know each other, but I carry you all in my heart, and you’ll stay there as I think and write about belonging.
I also want to say that we will be talking here about possible solutions for loneliness, and I realize that may not be what those of you who are lonely need or want. Maybe you just need to be seen and heard, and I do want to create space for that to happen. Nonetheless, you may feel an implicit judgment in some content—i.e. you are lonely because you haven’t done the right things or you have done the wrong things. This is not the intention AT ALL. We all move through human society with different gifts and challenges, and we can’t judge another person’s path. In addition, we all have gone and/or will go through periods of loneliness. We are all in this together. So if you pick up some ideas, great, but know that they are offered without condemnation.
For those who feel a great sense of belonging, our challenge is to spread that, to envelope those who don’t, to create environments and settings and relationships that might offer that to people. When you hoard belonging, you create exclusion, whether you mean to or not. This ain’t high school, and cliques are no longer cool. Adult cliques are pretty much pure cringe.
Based on what you all have already shared, here are a few takeaways:
Some circumstances are particularly conducive to loneliness, among them chronic illness/poor health, deaths and break ups, and changes in the structures of life, such as loss or change of a job or a church, a move, or children growing up.
One of you said that loneliness felt like “an empty stomach with a small rat inside gnawing at the lining.” I asked how it felt because I’m interested in how loneliness is distinguished from other forms of sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc.
You said you felt belonging in being needed, in connecting with nature, in finding things in common—either in self-evident things or because you made a concerted effort to identify commonalities that weren’t readily apparent—joining and volunteering, and connecting with people online. Hooray for online! I think it gets a bad rap.
Again, how does a feeling of belonging differ from a more general feeling of happiness or joy? Is it the same thing?
Lastly, I mentioned our toxic politics as kind of a scenesetter, but I’m not really offering belonging as a cure or its absence as a cause. I do think some people who have fallen for Trump have done so out of loneliness, but many others have done so out of shared community. There’s a real group mentality involved. Where my in-laws live—where they’ve lived their entire lives and where they have felt great belonging—everyone they know is a Trumper except for them, and they now feel left out/more lonely. But they have hung in there, they haven’t withdrawn and they have continued to put energy into their church, community, and relationships. And I do think the country would be better off if more of us could do that across party/sub-cultural lines. I do hope to explore this a bit.
But, fixing our politics isn’t my intention here, because it seems like an overwhelming problem to me. I’m thinking of belonging as more of a refuge or a ballast as we walk through difficult times. I also think America’s cultural weakness has always been rugged individualism and a tenuous sense of community. It’s one reason why our social safety net is so weak—we don’t want to spend money on people to whom we don’t feel connected. That’s a whole other conversation.
OK now for today’s “official” installment.
I interviewed my Swahili teacher and friend, Emmanuel, about cultural differences related to community and loneliness. Emmanuel, who is from Tanzania, spent a year in the US on a Fulbright scholarship, so he has firsthand experience with American culture.
We spoke in Swahili, which for me is still a work in progress, so my translation and transcription here may be wonky….Enjoy :)
Me: There has been a research that says Americans are being by themselves.
Emmanuel: Do you mean they are lonely?
Me: Yes, that’s the word. Lonely. Americans are lonely. Maybe they also have diarrhea. People have theories about the reason. Do you know the reason?
Emmanuel: …OK….I was very lonely in America. In American culture, my problems are my problem, and your problems are your problem. No one helps each other. No one shares. For example, if I’m walking and it’s raining, I can’t even stop and wait under your porch. You will say I’m trespassing and call the police and say there’s a Black person at your house.
Me: Yes, there is also breastfeeding.
Emmanuel: Do you mean racism?
Me: Yes, racism. But also breastfeeding.
Emmanuel: (looks confused) OK. Also, everyone drives everywhere, so no one has conversations with people as they go about their day. In Tanzania, people walk everywhere, and you chat with everyone as you go. Americans are too busy to chat.
Me: Are you ever lonely with diarrhea in Tanzania? You don’t have family near where you live.
Emmanuel: Am I lonely? Here? (dies of laughter) No. I don’t even know what that is in Tanzania.
Me: Maybe you have other problems in your culture. Are there garden tools?
Emmanuel: Do you mean disadvantages?
Me: Yes, things that you don’t like. Maybe some of them are garden tools.
Emmanuel: Sometimes you want to be more quiet. It is hard to escape people here.
Me: Do you know what introvert means? Maybe it’s hard to be an introvert there.
Emmanuel: Yes, I know that word. I am an introvert. It can be hard. But you never feel lonely.
Me: Also maybe people breastfeed on your help?
Emmanuel: What? Do you mean exploit? Like they take advantage of people?
Me: Yes, breastfeed.
Emmanuel: Exploit.
Me: (blank stare)
Emmanuel: Yes, they do. For example, I bought some pigs as an investment and left them with a family member when I moved away. When I came back, the pigs were gone. The family said they needed the money so they sold them and used the money. People are always expecting you to help them.
Me: Do you think Tanzania’s history with socialism (a word I do actually know!) affected the culture? Is Tanzania different from Kenya, where there has always been breastfeeding?
Emmanuel: Capitalism, you mean.
Me: OK, yes, breastfeeding.
Emmanuel: I give up.
Me: (blank stare)
Emmanuel: Tanzania’s history is good and bad. Socialism helped us not to have so much tribalism, unlike Kenya. And, yes, we help each other. But the economy is bad, and there are fewer opportunities. There are two sides to the coin.
Me: Kenyans love breastfeeding, but they still help each other a lot.
Emmanuel: Capitalism.
Me: That’s what I said.
Emmanuel: I give up.
Emmanuel: Also, Americans love technology. They are always using their phones or playing video games. I don’t think this is good.
Me: But technology also has two sides like a treasury, too. For example, look at us talking right now on the internet!
Emmanuel: That’s true.
Me: I think with technology, you have to find an airport.
Emmanuel: You mean balance.
Me: That too.
Incidentally, learning Swahili has been a deeply meaningful experience for me that has fostered a sense of connection to people and places that form part of my identity. Here’s a post from 2022 with more about that, and if you don’t want to read the whole thing, a quote for reflection:
Language is the raw material with which we build relationship. Do our choices reflect a desire to love or a desire to judge? To include or exclude? Do they show respect, curiosity, and humility or arrogance, self-assuredness, and egocentrism? And are we willing to work and to risk and to be uncomfortable in order that we might speak someone else's language?
Have a great week, friends. You belong here.
Thank you! I didn’t think that I would laugh as much as I did, given the “serious” nature of the opening paragraphs. Now for my serious point. I heard the wonderful Tom Joe Power interview someone this week, and they said something that has stuck with me ever since. They called loneliness misplaced solitude. I am sorry if this is coming across as judgmental, but I both crave solitude and connection with others. I don’t really know where this thought is going, but I wanted to share and see what others think.
This was wonderful, Holly, in all kinds of breast feedings!