Before I get to today’s nonsense, a few bits and bobs to pass on:
Tomorrow night, I will be on the National Mall to see Ben Wittes’s Ukraine-boosting laser show, this time to urge Congress to pass funding. If you are in DC, come join us! And if you don’t already subscribe to Ben’s Dog Shirt Daily, give it a look. Always entertaining and enlightening.
You will probably hear a lot of interviews with Tim Alberta in the coming weeks about his new book The Kingdom, The Power, and The Glory. But I doubt you’ll hear a better one than Jon Ward’s, Tim’s fellow evangelical pastor’s kid. I also recommend Jon’s memoir, Testimony.
If you are looking for a meaningful way to celebrate Advent, Diana Butler Bass is publishing a series for her subscribers, but Monday’s is free. Today she writes, “This is the season where the world we know runs headlong into the dream of God. It is the season of deep night that promises endless light. There’s no way to explain this and no theology that can fully express the wonder of these weeks.” Diana’s work never fails to comfort and re-center me and help me along a path towards a less toxic, more expansive faith.
Incidentally, all three of these folks have been super nice and generous to me :) So go give them some love.
Now for today’s nonsense, and it is indeed nonsense today. Well, today and many other days.
*****
My husband and I are rivaling the Obamas in the world of power-coupledom.
I am quickly becoming a niche media celebrity sidekick (don’t think too hard about that, just trust me, it’s impressive). This is the latest of my parodies of the Bulwark folks, for which I have received lavish praise from the Bulwark community and its luminaries. IYKYK and if you don’t, well, you’ll just think I’m insane, but then again, you would not be entirely wrong.
Meanwhile, my husband could soon be Lord of Catan, which is not just an island, it’s an entire UNIVERSE. I mean, Barack only ruled one country, and only democratically. So Kevin’s achievement here is rather spellbinding.
What is the Catan Universe, you are wondering? Well, in short, it’s an entire society of people who should be doing something else. There are plenty of young men in their mothers’ basements, but there are also very successful people with important jobs and families who enjoy speaking to them. But, please, after they finish this game.
Some of these people are just hobbyists and/or chronic procrastinators, but a fair number of them really are not well, the kind of people who plunge into existential crisis, publicly meltdown, and lob ALL CAPS at faceless programmers when a server goes down.
That happened earlier this year. For TWO DARK MONTHS, the Catan Universe was, well, dark. The programmers’ attempt to do some kind of winter clean up ended up firebombing the entire island instead. The normally vibrant community that is the Catan Universe Facebook page—where people cordially debate the proper pronunciation of “Catan” and politely ask whether anyone else experienced a glitch while attempting to play a knight card—became a scene of utter despair, chaos, and devastation, like the endings of all eighteen Jurassic Park movies when the T-Rex stomps through places eating people (and yet no one ever learns to maybe not breed dinosaurs). People were losing their sh*t. The programmers occasionally threw up posts pleading for people’s patience and mercy then ran for their very lives.
Kevin has managed to rise almost to the very top of this very creamy crop of humans. He’s currently in the top 50 in the line of succession. If a cyber-tsunami hits Catan Island during a ruling party convention, he would automatically inherit the throne. At least I think that’s how that works.
Anyway, he’s well on his way to ruling the whole thing even without a digital disaster. And I could not be more proud. I have watched him spend literally weeks (months?) of our shared life chipping away at this goal, cracking every code and devising elaborate strategies in a game full of chance, hour upon hour of testing out whether it’s better to build a settlement on an 8 wood tile or a 4 ore tile. The only reason why he doesn’t have a spreadsheet is because his brain IS a spreadsheet.
I could tell you the answer to the settlement placement quandary—and there is an answer, oh yes—but then he might never be Lord of Catan. So you’ll just have to wonder.
But I will give you a cryptic distillation of the 35 minute seminar that I got to take for free just by asking him how he wins so much. And here it is:
Wool over the eyes never lies
And long roads lead to cities in skies
Bake a loaf for the troops
Jump through wooden hoops
Everybody dies, surprise, surprise.
You will never go wrong with this advice, trust me. You will also never understand what it means.
But all is not sunny in the land of Catan. Like Barack Obama, Kevin has had to contend with racism on his path to power.
Yes, Kevin is white, what is your point. But the players of the Catan Universe don’t know that. And just like Elon Musk, Kevin has been running a sociological experiment on all of them even while he subdues them with his superior brain.
And just like Elon Musk, a lot of them are racists, even when it harms their own interests. And I’m totally serious about this, and it’s really sad. Kevin as a Black man found that he got robbed more often, even when it was not advantageous to do so. And as if that were too subtle, he was called the n-word. I am not joking. We are both in fact rather aghast.
It seems that even in the fantasy world of the Catan Universe, where people don’t even need real jobs and live in fake communities, racism lurks. But perhaps we should not be surprised about that, in a game structured around territorial expansion and resource exploitation. Perhaps the racist players are simply attempting to make the game historically accurate.
Kevin has also been a woman, so he could use the Catan women’s bathroom and groom people. I’m kidding. No, because he knows people think women are not as smart and aggressive, so he figured he might beat them via sexist stealth. But as we all know, sexism can often be subtle. Kevin was never called the c-word and could discern no strategic advantage to being a woman (and that last part is definitely true to life. Next time, set your Catan avatar up with a few kids with a deadbeat dad and see what happens to your ranking, much less your avatar’s girlish figure).
Anyway, this whole avatar journey has been a wake up call for my white, middle-aged husband. Which only makes him more qualified to lead all the people of Catan. He can advocate for the disadvantaged and inspire the trolls to do better. And when that doesn’t work, he can just steal all their sh*t because Catan ain’t a democracy.
Kevin will be an amazing Catan President. But the real question is, as First Lady, what will I wear and what kind of parties will I throw my signature issue be? How will I leave the Catan Universe a better place? Beyond telling them to “Be Best,” which they obviously need to hear.
Here are some ideas I’m toying with, and yes, these are not all the typical First Lady stuff, some stray into “hard policy” territory, but dammit, I have a PhD and want to one day be Secretary of State.
Catan seriously needs criminal justice reform. And by that I mean it needs even one freaking prison. The robbers maraud around with impunity, and honestly, the knights just aren’t cutting it as a security force.
Obviously, wildflowers. Just throw seeds everywhere. It’s easy, people like it. Done.
I mean, city planning anyone? Just letting everyone build sh*t willy nilly is no way to run a railroad.
I realize I need to do stuff with kids, but
I don’t like kidsI’m not good with kids. So I’m just gonna put on a movie for the Catan kids and go take a nap. I hope that will do.It’s not really an issue per se but I do plan to wear “controversial shoes.” I mean, you gotta take your shots in life.
Anyway friends, none of this is of any importance to you or anyone else. But I will say, that if Trump is reelected, you may have more of an interest in ensuring there is good leadership in Catan Universe, and we welcome you anytime.
Just hand over a wheat, a wood, a sheep, and a brick.
HolyCRAP Your Royal Highness Princess Holly, I have to say I feel gooder already!! Thanks so much for another quality read and All Hail King Kevin!!
As I age (now a retiree) I watch as each generation has something different that they focus on or gather around. Thus people my age seemed utterly devoted to playing rock music in their garages (to set time line - I was 13 when the Beatles arrived). My son, now 45, was devoted to video games - then played on personal computers and with internet interactions. Fast forward to the last few years, we see the young devoted to personal expression of a generally silly sort on apps like Tik Tok. This is a long hand way of saying that for folks my age... we just never heard of Catan or any of it.
Decades ago when Saturday Night Life started, I remember Henry Morgan, an older humorist (also radio performer in his younger days) talk about SNL. He was not overly critical but his frame of reference was the past and SNL was the future.
So when do we become obsolete? My mother stayed current at least for films and TV until the mid 1980s. My father, born in 1899, was obsolete when I was a baby.
I know I am obsolete re current culture and have been for a while. My wife who once purchased media for the Morris Cty Library and also ran book stores so she was current till recently.