Potlucks and Patriarchy

How women's unpaid labor has created belonging in church and everywhere else and it's not our fault that we have other things to do now

Well, it’s Christmastime/the Holidays again, when Santa Claus fills the air with magic and the living room with gifts and tables with food and children’s heads with fond memories and churches and offices with community, fun, and fellowship.

..What’s that? Santa Claus isn’t real? Then who’s doing all that sh*t? The elves?

Oh. Right. It’s women.

And before you feminist guys get all huffy and in my grill, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. I am speaking STATISTICALLY, and all the data show that women do all this stuff. I’m sure none of you actual men in the flesh are represented in the data. I’m sure all that data are talking about all the other men who are not you. If you have an issue, take it up with the data, not me.

Disclaimer #2—if you are clergy/work in the church, I’m not talking about you either. I see you working your butts off this time of year. I give you a pass. OK maybe not if you pastor a megachurch and/or are really awful.

But generally speaking, women=Santa Claus.

At Christmas and every other time of year, somewhere back in history, women got the job of essentially maintaining all of society’s relationships. The first church potluck was probably organized by all the Marys after the ascension.

We ladies do the office parties, we do the dinner parties, we do the kids’ birthday parties and the summer parties and the holiday parties. We write the Christmas cards and buy the gifts and check in on the elderly and organize the funeral refreshments after they die. We do almost all the things in our homes, organizations, and in society writ large that help people feel special and connected and loved. We create belonging.

We aren’t paid for any of that, but we do get rewarded just by the virtue of the work. Personally, I am a big extrovert, I adore people, and I love creating belonging (I don’t enjoy all the behind-the-scenes labor, however. I do it for the social payoff). Studies show women put way more into our friendships with each other and reap huge health and other benefits.

Men put less into all their relationships—and after they marry/partner, most of them completely outsource relationships, even with their own family, to their spouse—and not surprisingly more men are lonely and sad. And when they lose their partners to death or divorce, they get really lonely and sad. Young, single men are no better and potentially far worse. Many young men seem to want all the sex and the friendship without the work, and they end up watching porn and playing video games in basements or when that isn’t fulfilling, they get angry and shoot or rape someone (see the incel community).

The dictator community is also very lonely.

There’s been a flurry of books and articles and hand-wringing over our society’s lack of belonging, how lonely more and more of us—even women—are, how lonely kids are, how no one seems to know how to make friends anymore. There are all kinds of hypotheses as to why that is. Social media/gadgetry, working from home, the pandemic, increased geographic mobility, the decline of community institutions—I could go on.

I’m sure all of those things are factors. But also, people are just lazy, y’all. Americans don’t seem to understand that relationships—all of them, not just romantic ones—take work, time, and energy. Not just to organize schedules and events, but to be interested in and thoughtful of other people. We are naturally self-centered, we have to try not to be. People will go to great lengths when there is sex on the line, but if not, or if that sex becomes a sure thing—I’ll be over here having my nap.

Relationships also take courage. You have to be willing to be vulnerable, to risk rejection and awkwardness and judgment. You gotta reach out a hand in order to connect with another hand. You aren’t going to be known if you don’t put out any information and you aren’t going to feel you belong without putting yourself in the mix.

Not to bash men again—AGAIN I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, DEAR SIR, READING THIS, YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONALLY ENLIGHTENED MAN—but women are better at being vulnerable—because we have been vulnerable, involuntarily, for most of history—and we seem to do more other-centric work more reflexively because, again, history. Motherhood is the ultimate selfless work, by definition, even if you aren’t a very good one. I mean, someone just comes and hijacks your whole body.

But as women have had more opportunities to do other things and as we tire of doing all the things, I suspect we are putting less into making everyone’s lives special than we used to. For awhile, we did it all, career and creating magic for everyone, but in looking around and talking to friends, we are tired now. We are done. We aren’t making the homemade cupcakes, we are going to Safeway and buying something, anything and throwing it on a table and you’ll like it.

I have absolutely zero data to prove this, but I suspect that one of the reasons that more people are more lonely these days is that women are doing less than they used to to create belonging. It’s a similar dynamic to why marriage and childbirth are in decline. Fewer women are getting married and having babies because they are tired of doing everything and putting up with male shenanigans (again, not any of yours. You are all perfect gentlemen and I know that because you read my blog). And men are doing less and less well, making them less and less marriageable. It’s a vicious cycle on both fronts, in which women capitalize on more opportunity and do less unpaid work, men don’t make up the gap, women don’t have to put up with male failure, and men get more sad and angry and less desirable.

So basically, women are destroying society by not putting up with people’s sh*t anymore, and the solution is they get over themselves.

NO, obviously not. The solution to all of this is that men need to figure themselves out. This is truly a societal problem, this lack of connectedness and the decline of family as our most foundational institution and the floundering of men. We all have an interest in men getting it together. But not at the cost of equality and empowerment for women.

In other words, while we are happy to make a casserole half the time, we are done making all the casseroles all the time until Jesus returns (hopefully carrying a casserole). Men, bake a casserole why don’t you. It’ll be fun, you’ll see.

NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF SAVIOR. You’re welcome back anytime, JC.

On the church potluck front—I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the issue of belonging within the church. As I interact with disenchanted evangelicals or ex-evangelicals who actually miss church, many talk about how they feel the loss of belonging that they found in their evangelical church. And I will say, having been raised evangelical and spent a good portion of my life in an evangelical church as an adult, these churches do indeed do a good job of creating community. Certainly, there are usually a lot of activities and organized ways to engage. And that doesn’t seem to be as true of mainline Protestant churches, at least not mine. Even though I love my church, I don’t really know many people even after 6 years, I rarely attend anything beyond services, I can’t say I feel a strong sense of community.

And there’s a reason for this, or a few. First of all, evangelical belonging is predicated on conformity. Everyone believes not just the same general thing, they adhere to an entire program of belief, culture, politics, lifestyle, the works. And let me tell you from experience, if you don’t conform, your ability to belong evaporates very quickly. You may even get run out on a rail. At the very least, you will not get invited to many gatherings and you’ll probably be the subject of conversations amongst “concerned” elders. It’s really fun.

Also, if you don’t conform, you’re probably going to hell. So there’s that. The fear factor underscores the conformity.

But the other reason, I think, again without any proof, why conservative church cultures have stronger community is because they promote traditional gender roles, either explicitly or more subtly. Women’s unpaid labor is the backbone of ministry in these churches, but even beyond that, the message to women writ large—whether or not you have paid work outside the home—is that you exist to serve. You are called to serve. You were literally created from a male rib to organize potlucks. That’s just part of the deal. You can be a high-powered attorney if you really want to be, but you better believe you’re also setting up coffee hour and staffing Vacation Bible School and organizing community group functions and doing any number of other things that let these churches send the message that We are a Family. Because we have an army of Moms, and they will bring all the feels and warmth and magic.

In liberal churches, guess what, women still do the bulk of the service. Yes, it’s true, just looking around at things. The difference is the obligation is not as strong. And the less you feel obligated to do something, the less you probably will do it. Not always, a lot of people enjoy service and parties and togetherness and organizing, and they’ll still do those things, and we will all take them for granted.

So that’s my theory as to why community feels weaker in our increasingly egalitarian society and in more egalitarian churches. Other than physically forcing men to do things, I’m not sure what the solution is (although that worked really well in getting women to do things for many centuries). Certainly building cultures of conformity is not it. Conformity isn’t really community either.

Thoughts? Feelings? Volunteers?