ICE ICE Bootlicks

Friday Fun, 16 January 2026

It all started with my friend Tammy sending me an AI photoshop of her as a MAGA lady. So of course I had to try it.

I usually use Claude, so I went there first. But I found out that Claude is a huge stick in the mud. But very committed to fall fashion.

Tammy had used ChatGPT, so I went there next and tried to be more subtle. I started with just a bland White House official photo, which honestly makes me think I really should run for office or at least wear more suits. I look amazing.

Then I decided to go more fascist.

I love that ChatGPT translated lip filler, hair extensions, and an ICE outfit into confidence. I do strive to be a “confident woman.”

But I needed more.

My photo still wasn’t as ridiculous as Tammy’s but I also didn’t look anything like myself. I really do look like ICE Barbie. Which gave me a better idea.

When I’m overwhelmed by the darkness in the world, it helps to find a way to mock it. And thus I give you my new parody, ICE ICE Bootlicks, featuring Benjamin Wittes.

And here’s the lyrics:

Alright, STOP, collaborate with Satan

ICE is back with some brand new henchmen

Someone they’ve got a hold of tightly

Roaming our hoods both daily and nightly

“Will it ever stop?” Yo, I don’t know

Put on a costume and let’s go

To the extreme, they chopper in like SEALS

Storming a Target like a battlefield

Deadly, cuz their boss has immunity

It’s only noon and they’ve done ten felonies

Kristi, she thinks she looks like fire

Got enough collagen to fill a tire

Fierce in a gulag, she’s all cosplay

She claims the law’s got nothing to say

If there’s no problem, yo, they’ll make it

Check out the chaos while they blame it on immigrants

ICE ICE Bootlicks

Fascistic ICE ICE Bootlicks

Now the blue cities are angry

Wine moms out here doing surveillance

Rolling by in their Honda Pilots

Scaring the tough guys just by smilin’

Bad Boys masked up like bandits

Poundin’ Americans all on camera

Detainin’ a vet tryin’ to get to work

They’re on a roll, it’s time to break windows

Rollin’ a disabled lady

Askin’ another if she’s Somali

The Boomers on standby, wavin’ just to say hi

They don’t stop, tear gas flies

Keep on pursuin’ fake terrorists

Takin’ down a pastor in clericals

They got a quota, so they continue to

Kids at play, Let’s go to preschool!!

Haulin’ out a dangerous teacher

She’s got a passport if she can reach it

Uber driver looks suspiciously swarthy

They doubt he was born in this country

Now they got a Chinese grandma

Been here since the Bush era

They’re all ready for a whiter nation

No more cats and dogs for the Haitians

Tweeting out a Nazi sh*t show

Stephen Miller’s gotta get off somehow

Droppin’ Bible verses like they own ‘em

Cross necklace covers all the lyin’

Kristi’s up to bat, she’s in a cowboy hat

She got a refresh, Gotta hide the aftermath

If there’s no problem, yo, they’ll make one

Check out her hair while they flout the constitution

ICE ICE Bootlicks

Fascistic ICE ICE Bootlicks

(Word to the Founders. Come get your kid.)

Incidentally, while I’ve taken some artistic license here and there, all of these lyrics are based on documented cases and tactics.

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In other fun, Tammy also sent me this Christmas ornament, which she made. It will stay out all year as the patron saint of Trump 2.0.

In other, non-funny news, I went to a protest at Customs and Border Patrol this week. There was a big crowd, and several Senators spoke. We sang “This Little Light of Mine” in honor of Renee Good, whose family describes her as “sunshine.”

I made a sign I love more the more I think about it. It’s a reference to Renee’s last words, but it’s also a good posture to which to aspire. While we are of course angry at what this government is doing, towards the individuals we encounter in our lives, even if they are ICE agents, let us try to be civil, control our anger, and rationally state why we are resisting.

I want to believe that many ICE officers themselves are better than this, or at least they can be better. And yes, I am aware that ICE is recruiting people, almost certainly including members of white supremacist groups, for whom this kind of violence is the point. But for the ones of them who aren’t that, I am concerned by what this government is doing to them, too, how it is dehumanizing them, how it is compromising them, how it is endangering their own safety. This is not normal law enforcement or even immigration enforcement. This is a grotesque, provocative, gratuitous, and wholly unnecessary display of power and violence that is hurting people, disrupting whole cities, costing lives, and eroding our Constitutional order. It makes me sad for everyone involved.

Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.