Happy Holidays from my crazy fam to yours

Every year (since 2007), we send out an Onion-style holiday letter. Here's this year's.

Undercover Yorkie Infiltrates, Terrorizes Family

The face of a covert Yorkie operative.

The unsuspecting Fletcher family of Arlington, Virginia adopted Lilo, a 2-year-old rescue dog, who, as it turns out, is almost half Yorkshire Terrier despite bearing no resemblance to the recalcitrant breed. “More like Yorkshire terrorist,” grumbles Kevin Fletcher, who was insistent that the family’s next dog would be zero percent Yorkie after determining that all of their last dog’s most pernicious traits derived from his Yorkie half. “Nipping, snapping, barking, spite-pooping, all of this is Yorkie,” Kevin explains. “It’s a very insecure, egocentric breed. High levels of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Low levels of empathy.” When the family met Lilo, he appeared to be mainly miniature pinscher or dachshund (admittedly another problematic breed). More importantly, he appeared to be adorable. But upon bringing him home, the family was immediately suspicious of his lineage. “He started peeing on things despite supposedly being housebroken,” C Fletcher, 15, explains. “Also, he just kind of took over the whole house. Eating and biting everything and running everywhere like a malfunctioning wind-up toy.” A DNA test confirmed that Lilo is indeed a stealth Yorkie. “I can’t believe we have another one,” Kevin says with exasperation. “Who will rid me of this meddlesome breed?” Holly Fletcher grew up with a Yorkie and comes to the breed’s defense. “But they’re sooooo cute!!! And Lilo is sooo cute, too!!! Also, very entertaining. Very. So much personality!” “‘So much personality’ is another way of saying ‘total a-hole,’” says Kevin, as he watches Lilo vomit up another piece of trash he illicitly ate. L Fletcher, 13, who picked Lilo out and has never been accused of lacking personality, smirks in corner.

Dad Shows Family Every Single Geyser

Clockwise from top left: The Fletchers get a work out in while waiting for a geyser to erupt; Kevin Fletcher shows his children another geyser; Holly Fletcher waits for another geyser to erupt; the children with a geyser; the whole family with, you guessed it, a geyser.

Kevin Fletcher, an international economist from Arlington, Virginia, gave his family an extensive tour of Yellowstone National Park’s geysers, mud pots, fumaroles, and seeps, which totally do not all look the same. As he informed his wife and children more than 6,000 times, Yellowstone has two-thirds of the world’s geysers, so seeing every single one of them in Yellowstone means that one has seen almost all in existence, which is important for a successful life. Fletcher was particularly excited for the Economic Geyser, so named for its use of a spreadsheet to time its eruptions for maximum efficiency (it turns out erupting is not actually very efficient at all; the geyser has been essentially dormant since the 1920s). The family sat at the Spiteful Geyser for hours waiting for it to erupt as predicted, which it never did, but honestly, what did they expect. The children momentarily perked up at the Thumb Geyser because Kevin told them a gory, but untrue, story about a man who fell in and only his thumb was found. After about the 50th geyser, Holly Fletcher considered throwing herself into the Abyss Pool, particularly after it turned out the paint pots did not contain any art supplies. Fortunately, none of the Fletchers dissolved in a geothermal spring, got gored by a bison, or stomped by a moose, and they can now check geysers off their bucket lists. “If I never see another geyser, I think I’ll be fine,” says Holly.

Mom’s Reelection Bid in Jeopardy After Fall Down An Alp

The highs and lows of the Austrian Alps.

A disastrous fall down a mountain has raised questions about whether Holly Fletcher, 48 (for a few more days), of Arlington, Virginia is fit to serve another term as Mom. Fletcher broke her wrist while hiking in Austria with her husband, Kevin, who is even older and yet not plagued by such concerns. “We were coming down a very steep Alp on loose gravel,” Holly says, while Kevin looks on patronizingly. “This could have happened to anyone. It has nothing to do with my age or ability.” “The mountain didn’t seem to faze the many Austrian toddlers who passed us, but sure,” says Kevin. After spending eight weeks in a cast, Holly still struggles with some household tasks and occasionally has to ask her able-bodied teen children to take care of themselves, prompting them to consider a different candidate for Mom. “I mean, she’s mostly OK, and we’re actually doing better than our friends. Although she hasn’t increased our allowance in like forever,” C Fletcher, 15, says. “But how do we know that this isn’t going to happen again? It may be even worse next time. We might have to vacuum something.” L Fletcher, 13, concurs. “It’s too risky. I just don’t think she’s up to the job of waiting on me hand and foot. And if something happens to her, then we get Dad, and well, he’s a Marxist-CRT-groomer.” Holly has tried to point out to her children that her opponent for Mom has been indicted on 91 felonies and once tried to burn the Fletchers’ house down. The children shrug. “She’s three whole years younger and kind of fun in a crazy kind of way,” L says. “Yeah,” says C, “I like her confidence and weird hair.”

Teen Follows in Missionary Grandparents’ Footsteps

C Fletcher attends the Eras Tour movie with her converts, her mother and family friend Gary Williams.

C Fletcher, 15, of Arlington, Virginia has shown major promise as an evangelist, just like her Southern Baptist missionary grandparents. After previously bringing both her parents to faith in Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Jalen Hurts, C has now converted her mother to Swiftianity, a new religion popular with Gen Z, and will boldly proclaim the greatness of Taylor Swift to anyone who will listen. She has been known to interrupt Swift-bashing strangers she overhears with statistics about Taylor’s positive impact on the economy and the artistry of her lyrics. Those she can quote chapter and verse. “I hate to be casually cruel in the name of being honest but if you don’t at least respect Taylor Swift, you’re the problem, it’s you,” C says. Her father remains a Swiftie skeptic and says he will never change, but C maintains she will keep pounding him with the truth. “If the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?” Meanwhile, C has begun training as a pastry chef so she can cater, or at least infiltrate, Swift’s eventual wedding to Kansas City Chiefs Tight End Travis Kelce.

Boy Builds Lucrative Career as Hiker-for-Hire

These photos cost The Fletchers $5,328.

L Fletcher, 13, of Arlington, Virginia has happened upon an unexpectedly viable career in which people pay him to go on hikes without complaining. “I hate the outdoors,” L says, “And also movement, sweat, breathing deeply, and physical reality. Hiking is not my thing.” But he concedes that many other people enjoy the activity and want him to accompany them for unknown reasons. “That’s fine, I’ll go, they’ll just have to pay for it,” he says. He has developed different pricing tiers depending on the distance/time hiked and the enthusiasm level expected. “An hour hike with silence runs about $5,” he explains. “A multi-hour hike with clear expressions of enthusiasm throughout—well, that’ll cost you. Smiling in pictures is extra, of course.” So far, his only customers are his parents, who are apparently dolts despite holding advanced degrees. L raked in enough cash this summer during a multi-park family vacation to buy what’s left of Twitter, which he plans to turn into a virtual amusement park for adolescent boys. “That won’t be a heavy lift,” he speculates. “Basically I’ll just add some digital poop here and there.”

Woman Drunk on Niche Media Celebrity Sidekick Status

(Above is one of Holly Fletcher’s collection of Bulwark parody videos, which an entire handful of people in the world will understand)

Holly Fletcher of Arlington, Virginia is enjoying micro-fame as an incredibly small bit player in the world of a super niche centrist media outlet called The Bulwark. Holly has become obsessed with the site’s podcasts and other content as she clings to the sides of the flushing toilet that is American politics. “When I have the impulse to scream LIES!!! in public or pick fights with my relatives, I just put on a podcast and breathe deeply. It’s comforting to know there are sane-ish people in the world,” she says of the Bulwark’s famous-in-very-certain-circles luminaries, mostly former Republican journalists and strategists. Holly now spends hours a day, that she totally does not have, interacting with the Bulwark community online and making parody videos of the content. This has garnered her highly addictive praise and attention from various Bulwark stars, only encouraging her nonsense and giving her the illusion of actual importance. “She’s really become unbearable,” her husband, Kevin Fletcher, 52, says. “She expects me to get her coffee and buy her whatever she wants. OK, that’s not new. But now if I argue with her about anything, she starts yelling ‘JVL thinks my videos are brilliant’ or ‘Mona’s dog likes my dog.’” He shakes his head. “What the heck is JVL??? Is that like a wealth management firm? And also, why do I care?” “It’s just the right amount of fame I’ve achieved,” Holly says, ignoring Kevin. “A few people will recognize me at Bulwark events, but I’m not completely mobbed. And who wants that, really. Beyonce can’t go anywhere.”

Family Does Other Things, Too

The Fletcher Family of Arlington, Virginia also did other things in 2023. But let’s face it, no one is really that interested, so here are some pictures that make them look happy, attractive, and successful for people to peruse.

In Loving Memory of

Chilo Fletcher 2010-2023

I’m so thankful for all of you and your support for my writing. I hope you all have a peaceful holiday season and that we all survive 2024.