Don’t make me pull this minivan over, Vladimir, because I totally won't

And other Friday "Fun," 25 April 2025

Hi Vlad, it’s your good pal Donald. We need to have a talk about all the murdering.

Now I realize you’ve been doing murder the entire time I have been kissing your ass your friend. And even all the way back to the time when your banker buddies offered me a bunch of money when no one else would. We did a great deal, the best deal in the history of deals in terms of crime, by which I got to keep playing billionaire and you got to destroy America if I won President.

Also, I realize that murdering is very fun. I myself am only allowed to murder really bad hombres using drone and African children using Elon. I think it’s very beautiful that you can just throw people out window and invade country because you want to. That kind of power is very strongly, almost like grocery it is so amazing.

And also destruction. I only get to watch Elon fire everyone, but destroying bureaucracy is so much less sexy than carpet bombing sovereign nation. I plan to do Greenland, but if Little Marco feels bad about it, I am going to drop nuclear on some coral in ocean, and it’s going to be the best bomb in the history of bomb in terms of atom.

So I really don’t want to bring this up at all. I’ve always been idiotic whipped puppet Cool Superpower President who shoots up heroin with his kids. And I’d like to keep being very strongly cool.

But you’re kind of making me look bad, even though that’s impossible because I just lie and put on more foundation. That’s what I told Pete Hegseth about all the nasty people saying nasty things about him. He finally listened to me and got a makeup studio and now he’s very strongly and manly. But I’ll probably fire him anyway because firing is the second best thing after murdering and once I’m allowed to murder I want to start with Little Marco because his ears are too bigly.

But I told everyone I would fix this war by doing an incredible real estate deal, the best deal in all of real estate in terms of world conquest. You would get the best part of Ukraine. Crimea is a beauty. Great spot for a beauty Trump resort. And did you know there aren’t actually any Blacks at the Black Sea? I didn’t know that and someone said the other day, Sir, the Black Sea has no Blacks and also lots of cheap grocery. And I said Wow that’s such a beautiful word.

And Kyiv is an overrated slum. I think they may even have a few Blacks there. I don’t even think there are many windows or casinos there. Who needs it. It’s a sh*t hole.

But I did think you would stop murder by now. I thought that is the beautiful deal that we did, and honestly, I expect some gratitude for all the murder. And for all the free children you got, Elon is very jealous of the children, even though they are all dumb because he did not make them. He said to ask you if you can steal 20,000 women next so he can impregnate them for the new society he wants build on Mars. Honestly, that guy is a little creepy if you ask me, but he’s very strongly creepy and also racist so it works.

So here’s what I’m going to do. Because I want to keep being Cool President and don’t really care about the murdering but need to look strongly, I’m going to tell you to STOP IT, in all caps, just like that, so I will look very strongly but you get to keep doing the murder and grocery. Such great word.

And then when you don’t stop it, I will just tell everyone that you have recently become a Born Again, but you’re still a little tiny baby one, so you need more time to become not evil. And also you hate the Trans Abortion. It’s very very bad.

And I think it will work, because it always does for me with the Evangelicals, who are, by the way, the most stupid people on earth. They gave me everything for free and then they are very strongly grateful, unlike Zelenskyy, who I hate because he would not do crime with me. I tell you what, evil people are my favorite because they are very strongly, but stupid people are my second favorite because they think I am very strongly. It’s a beauty, like that hooker you gave me that time in Moscow. Also grocery.

So here I go, wink wink wink.

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This week’s #OneThing has been, well, one thing for the entire week. I find it terribly hard to resume normal life after traveling. It will be another month before I find the courage to make another meal plan and buy grocery.

But the #OneThing has been a beauty, folks! Very strongly. I have been doing my online training to become…..Wait for it….

A NATIONAL PARKS SERVICE VOLUNTEER!!!!!!

By the way, if you live near a National Park, consider becoming a volunteer. Elon’s chainsaw did a number on the NPS, and I fear it’ll be a rough summer. So go get trained up now so you can help. I just went on down to the mall and asked a Ranger, but you can also reach out via the website.

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I was back “on the air” on Dog Shirt TV this week, and I’d like to flag today’s episode (it’s not up yet actually, but you’ll find it eventually here or podcast version here), featuring my friend John Hawthorne, whose book The Fearless Christian University offers a great understanding, critique, and vision for the world of Christian higher education, a key component of the expanded universe of white evangelicalism. John is definitely one of the good guys trying to make f—ed up things better.

I also want to flag an article I wrote for Liberal Currents that I’m really proud of. It goes way back into American religious history and shows how the religious narrative of white evangelicalism has reinforced the political narrative of what is now red state politics. I think you’ll learn a lot.

Lastly, I want to make a semi regular invitation for those who enjoy this publication but don’t want to be paid subscribers because, let’s face it, you don’t get anything extra anyway. Please please please preorder my book. And if you’ve already done that, please please share something I’ve written with someone else. And if you’ve already done that, please consider making a small donation every now and then via Venmo. Thanks for your support!

Grace and peace, friends. Go well. Godspeed.