A MAGA safari
And other Friday "Fun," 25 July 2025
Yes, it’s actually Thursday, but it’s Friday in the time zone my brain is still in. The rest of me is back to my “normal” life in the “good ‘ol” USA. And you know what that means, your weekly laugh at the absolute sh*tshow we are living in.
Having just spent a month in Kenya’s many game parks observing an array of flora and fauna, it strikes me that the characters on the savanna have (close, but not exact) counterparts in Trump World. So let us pile in our virtual Land Cruiser and head out on a quick game drive, shall we?
Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to any of the animals discussed, all of whom would make better presidents than Donald Trump and have far superior moral compasses than anyone in MAGA.
Karoline Leavitt as Dung Beetle
The dung beetle feeds exclusively off the feces of other animals. They can be regularly seen rolling around giant balls of excrement that far exceed their own size. Like Karoline Leavitt, the dung beetle is sustained by shoveling others’ bullshit. Unlike her, the dung beetle knows a cross necklace can’t redeem this lifestyle.
Stephen Miller as Hippopotamus
The hippopotamus is one of the most hateful animals in Africa. They kill thousands of people each year, more than lions, elephants, and crocodiles combined, and for no apparent reason. Neither human hunters nor animal predators have much interest in them, yet they feel threatened at all times. Intensely territorial despite having ample territory, a hippo will “deport” you, as in from this earth, for daring to set foot anywhere near its land or water borders. Like Stephen Miller, the hippo seems angry all the time. But in the hippo’s case, it’s probably not due to sexual frustration.
Russell Vought as Anopheles Mosquito
What is the deadliest animal on earth? Not what you think. While hippos, crocs, elephants, buffalo, and lions get the flashy headlines for being total assholes, the malaria-carrying anopheles mosquito silently murders over 600,000 people per year, most of them children, which is about on par with the death caused (so far) around the world by Project 2025-inspired aid cuts, including to anti-malaria programs, actually. And it’s nothing close to the 17 million people who stand to lose their healthcare as a result of the Big Beautiful Bill. You will rarely see or hear Vought, but that faint, annoying buzzing in your ear as you’re trying to fall asleep is his ideas laying waste to American democracy. Alas, the American people had ample opportunity to apply insect repellent, but they couldn’t be bothered.
The MAGA Faithful as Wildebeest
The Great Migration, the annual movement of millions of wildebeest around the Serengeti plain, is truly awe inspiring. That is until the predators start feasting on them, and you realize how stupid they are. On the one hand, you could argue there is safety in numbers. On the other hand, large quantities also feature in a Golden Corral buffet. And in case you aren’t convinced of wildebeests’ low IQ after watching them run headlong into the Sand River while crocs munch on their friends (at least MAGAs have boats), witness them running aimlessly around in circles for no apparent reason, like Qanon believers hunting a sex trafficking ring. These creatures are not at all bright, do not seem to operate in their own best interests, and yet I bet they could pick a better president than what the herd mentality around here has achieved.
JD Vance and Marco Rubio as Zebra
Accompanying the wildebeest on their epic journey towards destruction are the much savvier, more intelligent zebra. Some say they migrate with the wildebeest to offer protection and distraction from predators, but let’s not be naive. Zebra know their chances of survival soar in the company of idiots, and I have rarely seen a zebra fall prey when there are wildebeest on offer. Like JD and Marco, zebra are opportunists extraordinaire comprised of black and white. Unlike them, zebra have not willfully painted over their lighter sides with Benjamin Moore Pure Evil paint.
Pete Hegseth as Peacock
Ah, the beauty of the male peacock. Gorgeous feathers galore arrayed just so to distract from a pea-sized brain and the inability to perform the most basic bird function of flying/at all understanding the agency he has been put in charge of. The peacock is also known to squawk loudly at inappropriate times and places, such as in Signal chats with regards to classified information.
Republicans in Congress as Marabou Stork
There are many scavengers on the savanna, but none as revolting as the Marabou stork. While other scavengers (like the hyena=right wing media) are capable of hunting their own prey, these truly ugly birds rely exclusively on others’ leftovers, including human garbage. Like Republicans, these storks are essentially made of trash. But the birds actually provide a useful function for the health of their environment.
The DOGE Bros as Vervet Monkey
The vervet monkey may be quick, bright, perky, and entertaining to watch, but he will also steal your pancake right off your plate while looking you in the eye. And he will also jump into your car and take your sunglasses. And he will also pee on your head from a tree. And break into your tent and poop on your toiletries. And attempt to drink your beer. And have sex in your dining room. Vervet monkey will also destroy your government if given any opening. Also, Big Balls has nothing on this guy, just saying.
Donald Trump as Male Ostrich
This guy struts around like he owns the entire Serengeti, but in fact, everyone is laughing at how ridiculous and dumb he is. Like Pete-cock, he is all feathers and no fly. Unlike Pete, he is also very unattractive, despite attempts at concealment using make-up.1 Watching the male ostrich’s mating dance is like watching Donald Trump try to run, well, anything. The main difference is the male ostrich gets obvious consent before screwing anyone. And probably understands how tariffs work.
I could do this all day.
Lots and lots of news to convey so buckle up!
While I was gone, I managed to publish a Liberal Currents piece on temperance and do a Bulwark hit on Trump’s cringe interaction with the Liberian president. The latter I did from a dimly lit hotel room with terrible Wifi but somehow the team scraped 10 minutes together.
Baptist News Global wrote a nice piece about me and my book. John Hawthorne wrote a really great review, too, as did Zebra reader and MK Katharine Dow.
Book events are slowly coming together!
On pub day, August 19, I will be in Grand Rapids with
! So grateful to her for agreeing to do this.
I will be at the Wild Goose Festival, presenting with
on Friday, August 29. If you would like to come, I think you can still use my Ambassador code to register: A-XVANI will be doing an event in Little Rock at Pettaway Commons on October 3 with
and then presenting on a panel the next day at the Pulaski Institute Summit.Ironically, events in my hometown of DC are in a bit of limbo because we had hoped for a Politics and Prose event, and they rejected me after months of waiting to hear back :(
is determined to do a pop up guerilla-style P&P event against their will LOL so stay tuned for my imminent arrest… Then we are working on a date in early September at my church… and…October 18, time and place TBD but in the DC area, I am doing a joint event/film screening with Ari Ali. Her film Ben Between Africa, about her MK uncle, is incredibly moving and good, no matter what your background is. It’s about family secrets, generational trauma, and the healing that comes with telling the truth. I was blown away by this work. If you are unable to come to that screening, her website has others.
For those on the launch team, and others when you get your book—PLEASE WRITE REVIEWS! You can go ahead and do this on Good Reads. As of August 19, you can post them on Amazon. I’m sure there are other platforms on which you can post them. If you have your own substack or blog, that’s a great place, too. I’m counting on everyone to overwhelm the haters!
I’m sure I’m forgetting things in my jet-lagged state, but that’ll have to do. More news next week.
One last thing…
The male ostrich turns his skin pink when he wants to mate.
I have dreams of Karoline Leavitt’s cross glowing red hot every time she tells a lie.
This made me laugh so hard. Pete-cock may be my new favorite name.
And congrats on the book arriving!