As an American voter, I tuned in with keen interest to the debate tonight because I still have to decide whether to vote for a normal human lady who laughs, sometimes, or to put the entire country in a dismembering blender and press start. But we can add some kale so it might be OK. Also the normal lady’s hair was uneven because she fracked it.
I’m glad I tuned in, because this debate was so informative, and I learned so much. And yet, I find myself still confused about my vote.
The normal lady has plans. She has plans for this and that. A plan for healthcare and a plan for immigration. I guess it’s good to have plans. I’m always telling my husband when we go on vacation that we should have a plan, including maybe a hotel room so we don’t have to sleep on a bench and get peed on by a bat. But if you make too many plans, you wreck all the fun. It’s good to have some plans but not too many plans. She might have too many, which concerns me, but I’m still deciding.
The guy who wants to turn all of us into a delicious authoritarian smoothie has no plans that I could tell, except for doing tariff and mailing abortions to states.
But what he does have is a special friend named Abdul who lives in Afghanistan and wants to help, I think. Abdul has many plans, I gather. He knows how to deal with threats, like illegal transgender student loans. Abdul, and also his friend Viktor, who does not like the normal lady because she is mean, has many plans to fix things.
Abdul is going to save the dogs and the cats from menopausal grandmothers from Haiti, who want to ban guns and cook Indian food, because they are not really black. They like curry and therefore they can’t be black. Abdul, who is really black, has more guns, however, and also tariff and abortion but also no abortion. Because abortion is bad, but not if it’s a state kind of abortion. States have very good abortion. But only in the case of rape and incest. Abdul knows that very well. He is a rape expert who is handy in a military evacuation. Abdul also knows how to do a good coup after a stolen election. Abdul is the blender man’s dear friend.
Also, the mayor of Moscow’s wife is involved but she’s no good. But Putin is sitting in Moscow right now and he’s very happy but not because of the mayor’s wife. Abdul, Putin, and Viktor are all happy, and we like happy people. But the mayor’s wife has already gone through menopause so she is not happy at all. We will put her in a daycare, paid for by tariff.
And that is the plan. The blender man will make a smoothie with Abdul. It will be a very healthy smoothie of kale, tariff, the remains of the dogs and the cats Abdul saved from the Haitian grandmother who is the wife of the mayor of Moscow, who is transgender, as well as Obamacare and yummy state abortion. Because America is a terrible place that is going down the fallopian tubes.
And that is how a bill becomes a law.
But I’m going to think about it more before deciding.
Possible the most cogent summary of the debate we will read.
Vastly better than watching the debate